The Knitting Linguist

The Other End of the Leash: A Harry Potter Fan-Fiction

2011-10-25T20:47:00.002-04:00

My sister and I came up with a great idea for a fan fiction a while ago.

She read an article someone wrote about Sirius. Near the beginning of book 5, he goes outside as a dog and the first thing he does is chase his tail. The article was very judgemental of this choice of activities.

Somehow, one thing led to another, and we came up with this idea for a fan fiction.

Harry and Dumbledore decide that Sirius needs to get out of Grimmauld Place. Dumbledore convinces the other members of the Order to take turns taking Sirius (in dog form as Padfoot) out for walks. Some of them are better dog walkers than others.

It's posted at fanfiction.net.

The Other End of the Leash

Enjoy!

Mushroom Ravioli & Olive Pesto

2011-08-27T19:33:00.003-04:00

Me: What do you want for dinner tonight?

Sister: There's a lasagna in the freezer.

Me: Why don't we save that for one night this week, when I get home from work 20 minutes before we want to eat? It's Saturday. I have time to make something.

Sister: Will you make... those mushroom raviolis you invented?

Me: Yeah, okay.

I invented these raviolis some time ago. I don't remember what posessed me to create this recipe, or if I based it on a recipe I had found somewhere.

But I like mushrooms and I like pasta.

If you don't have a pasta press, I suspect you can probably find sheets of fresh pasta in grocery stores. I've never looked for it, because I have a pasta press.

This is a recipe in 3 parts. However, each part only has 3 or 4 ingredients and isn't hard to do.

Pasta Dough

3 cups of flour

3 eggs

1 tsp olive oil

Pour flour into a large bowl. Make a large indent in the flour. Crack eggs into the indent and beat with a fork. Gradually incorporate the flour into the beaten eggs.

Add olive oil. Mix until well blended. Use your hands if you need to.

Wrap dough in plastic wrap and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Mushroom Filling

8 oz of canned mushrooms (or 1 cup of fresh sliced mushrooms)

1/2 tbsp crushed garlic

3/4 cup cream cheese

olive oil

In a medium saucepan, over medium heat, warm olive oil. Add garlic and cook until garlic is lightly browned. If using canned mushrooms, drain. Add mushrooms to saucepan. Cook for about 10 minutes. Remove from heat.

Pour mushroom mixture into a food processor. Add cream cheese. Process until mixture is well-blended.

Using the pasta press, process dough into sheets that are about 1/8th an inch think. (It's 5 on my pasta machine.)

I use a large glass to cut out the ravioli wrappers, but if you're using pre-prepared sheets, you might want to cut it into squares.

Place a teaspoon of filling into a ravioli wrapper. Fold wrapper over filling and seal the edges. Repeat until there are no more wrappers, or no more filling, or both.

Boil water in a large pot to cook pasta. Once the water has come to a boil, add raviolis and cook for 10 to 12 minutes. Drain. Eat with pesto.

Black Olive Pesto

6 oz can of black olives

olive oil

Using a food processor, process olives until they are coarsely chopped. Add enough oil to loosely hold the mixture together.

Eat pesto cold on hot ravioli.

Irene

2011-06-11T20:29:00.006-04:00

Here's a tour of my new car. She's a 2007 Ford Taurus SEL that I call Irene.

Here you will observe the lovely faux wood paneling.

Here is the inside of my glove box. There's the owner's manual, and some paperwork.

Here you can see the lovely fold-down seats, in case I'm transporting a ladder, or my skis.

Here is the inside of my trunk. It's very spacious. Maybe not as spacious as my Oldsmobile's trunk was, but it'll do. I don't plan on moving every year ever again.

Here is the trunk's emergency release, in case I lock myself in my trunk. (I have been known to do that.)

And here is another shot of the back seat. There is a carseat anchor on every seat, in case I have triplets or something.

I like my new car a lot. And it's a hell of a lot more fuel efficient than my mother's mini-van, which I had been driving.

Conjoined Balloons!

2011-05-29T14:43:00.008-04:00

I really needed a vacation, so I took one.

I took the train down to Stony Brook last Sunday. During this 10 hour span of time on trains and sitting around, I managed to finished one of the two front pieces of the sweater I'm knitting for my brother.

Monday night, Jordanna and I went out to dinner and then saw Thor, which was awesome.

Tuesday afternoon, Jordanna and I got our ears pierced and then saw Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

I got a bit too much sun at graduation. I put on sunscreen, but it was apparently not enough.

Then we went to see Perry Goldstein. Julia was only there for a little less than a day. She had to run off and catch a flight right after we took this photo.

Alex and I went out to dinner with Jordanna's family and had a rolicking good time.

I then went back to the dorms and introduced our friend Robyn (the only one still living in the dorms after graduation and my most gracious hostess for this trip) to the Vlogbrothers.

I had to get up disturbingly early to catch the train home on Thursday morning (because I couldn't get Friday off from work). I watched A Knight's Tale for the billionth time on the train.

Today!

I had promised my mother that I would help sell balloons for her Kiwanis club at the Saint Mary's Bazaar. So, my brother and sister and I went with our parents to get the booth and all the balloons ready.

We found these very exciting conjoined twin balloons:

We thought that there was no way they could both hold air, since the bit where they're conjoined must be weaker or have a hole in it, but there they are. In all their conjoined splendor.

Then we hung out at the bazaar. I had two fried doughs, and they were amazing.

"No offense": I Think About Implicature A Lot

2011-04-06T21:28:00.002-04:00

This question has bothered me for some time: When a person says "No offense", what are they implying?

Phrases like "Don't take this the wrong way" and "No offense" are hedges. They are meant to get the speaker out of taking responsibility for what he or she has said.

But there is something underlying in this phrase.

If someone uses "No offense" to preface/follow another statement, they are assuming that the addressee will be offended. Furthermore, they are saying whatever it is they are saying despite the fact that it may be offensive and they know it.

I think I ought to be offended regardless.

What bothers me even more if when someone includes "No offense" along with a statement that I wouldn't otherwise find offensive. Then I have to think about what that person thinks I would have found offensive in that statement and whether or not I should be offended by this assumption they've made about me.

Postcards (Mostly to Sports Figures)

2011-04-02T21:52:00.003-04:00

Dear Sidney Crosby,

We love you, but we can't understand why you feel the need to grow a play-off beard every year when you know full well that you can't.

I believe one sports writer said something along the lines of, "You are wonderful at many things. Growing facial hair is not one of them."

Dear Austin Collie,

Stop getting concussed! We liked watching the Colts play more when you were playing with them.

Hopefully, next season will be injury-free.

PS - At our house, we call you Awesome Collie. We didn't think you would mind.

Dear Guy Boucher,

You look like you could be in the hockey mob.

Dear Jeff Skinner,

Oh my God! You're adorable!

I just want to make you a peanut butter & jelly sandwich and cut the crusts off for you.

Dear people who cast True Blood,

Boy do you ever know how to pick out beautiful men! Kudos and thank you. You did a fine job with Seasons 1 - 3.

I can't wait to see who you've picked out to play Quinn.

When Karl Comes to Visit

2011-02-28T18:31:00.003-05:00

The last time my brother Karl came to visit, we had an outrageous adventure at Gus's Red Hots.

When we were small children, the whole family could fit into a booth together. However, the three of us can no long fit into the back seat of a sedan, much less into one side of a booth at Gus's Red Hots.

My mother and brother were insistent that we still could.

So we tried to cram all five of us into a booth. We didn't fit.

So we tried to cram into a booth on the other side of the restaurant. We didn't fit.

So we tried to cram into a booth at the front of the restaurant, into which we also did not fit.

It was like Goldilocks and the three booths.

"This booth is too small. This booth is also too small. This booth is the same size as the first two, and is too small."

Then a waitress came and found a table for us. Apparently, if you wander around a restaurant for long enough, someone will seat you, even if there is a sign that says "Please Seat Yourself".

To explain the insanity that pursued this weekend, there is a bit of backstory.

There is a family that lives around the corner called the Duffys. They have four daughters who are about the same ages as we are and we went to school together.

One day, standing in church, Karl said, "Look. There are the Duffys. I bet we can take them."

We eventually told them that we said that every time we saw them, and from then on, we would make angry eyes and shake our fists at each other when we saw each other out in public.

Last weekend, after we Bechard children had watched about 1/3 of a season of Dragon Ball Z in 2 days, one of the Duffy girls came to talk to us at church.

We made our silly gestures and said things like, "Let's go. You want to go?"

Karl said, "Unfortunately for you, the three of us are well versed in imaginary fighting styles."

"Imaginary fighting styles? But do you know any real fighting moves?"

To which I said, "No, but are we getting into a real fight right now, or an imaginary one."

The Ways in Which My Mind Works

2011-01-22T10:46:00.005-05:00

A few days ago, I was sitting at my desk at work, reading the Ravelry threads while on break.

My avatar at Ravelry (or, my Ravatar) is a picture of the Doctor with the word Ravenclaw scrolled across the bottom. Like this:

I then started thinking about what houses other science fiction characters would be in. This train of thought continued through the afternoon. As I was entering data and calculating freight, I was also contemplating.

I ended up running out of scifi I was familiar enough with the sort the characters and moved on to other fiction. I arrived at many conclusions and some indecisions.

Doctor Who & Torchwood

The Doctor - Ravenclaw

The Master - Slytherin

Captain Jack Harkness - Gryffindor

Tosh - Ravenclaw

Owen - Ravenclaw (or Slytherin)

Gwen - Gryffindor (or Hufflepuff)

Ianto - Ravenclaw (or Hufflepuff)

Firefly

Mal & Zoe - Gryffindor

Simon & River Tam - Ravenclaw

Wash & Kaylee - Hufflepuff

Jayne - Slytherin

Shepherd Book - He is a predicament. Based solely on his behavior on the show, I'd put him in Ravenclaw. But he has a secret past that we never find out about (thanks a lot, Joss Whedon), and I think that, if I knew what had happened in the Shepherd's past, I would say he was either a Gryffindor or a Slytherin.

Inara - Didn't go to Hogwarts. She was too busy with space geisha school.

Doctor Horrible

Dr. Horrible - Slytherin

Captain Hammer - Gryffindor

Penny - Hufflepuff

The Road to El Dorado

Miguel - Gryffindor

Tulio - Ravenclaw

Altivo (the horse) - Ravenclaw

Star Trek

I think that everyone in Star Fleet is either in Gryffindor or Ravenclaw.

These are the things that I think about.

The Golden Platypus Awards - 2010

2011-01-03T13:09:00.000-05:00

Here they are. This year's Golden Platypus awards. Everything my siblings and I deem to be the best of the best of 2010.

Ingenious Design - Aquaponics

Hydroponic lettuce grown floating in the water of a fishery. The lettuce filters the water for the fish, and uses the fish waste as fertilizer. Two totally sustainable crops for the price of one.

It was featured on NBC Nightly News earlier this year. It's an old technology, but it's been brought back.

Media Tip-Off - Ian Burruto for Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog

One of Karl's camp friends told him to watch Dr. Horrible, and Karl told us. Not only did the two of us watch Dr. Horrible at least 4 times in 5 days, I bought the album on iTunes and then proceeded to listen to it every day in my car on the way and from work for two weeks.

Why Didn't We Think of This Sooner? - Scott Brand for tubeless toilet paper

It cuts down on waste and the tube isn't strictly necessary, is it? Why didn't we think of this sooner?

Hottest Nerd - Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook, and Jesse Eisenberg, for his role as Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network

There is no denying the Mark Zuckerberg is the hottest nerd and the nerdiest hot guy around in this day and age.

Badass of the Year - Denzel Washington for his role in The Book of Eli

He was swinging swords and shooting guns, being totally jacked and covered in bizarre scars, in the name of righteousness. And, if you've seen the movie, you know that this is twice as impressive as it sounds here. I won't post spoilers on my blog, but I'll just say, "Wow! Totally didn't see that coming!"

Winter Up North

2010-12-11T16:22:00.003-05:00

I had a series of wondrous adventures last weekend with Markell, who came up for a little less than a week to visit. So, it is time again for a post about galavanting across my homeland.

Markell got here on Friday afternoon and was in the basement in the brewery with my father drinking beer when I got home from work. I can't say that I'm entirely surprised by this: my father drags many of my friends down to the brewery.

I gave Markell the hat I had knit for him, and then proceeded to take it back so I could redo the brim and make it stretchier. Markell gave me a box of yarn.

My mother made ruebens for dinner. Markell had never had one before.

Saturday evening, we went to my office Christmas party. I had 3 white russians in rapid succession and felt great.

I requested "Dancing Queen". As soon as it came on, everyone vacated the dance floor except for me and Penny. I think she only stayed because she didn't want to leave me all alone on the dance floor. She kind of swayed back and forth and looked apprehensive, as if to say, "I am not fully committed to this song." I danced my little heart out, and would have if I were alone on the dance floor. It was nice of her to do that for me, though. I love ABBA and make no apologies.

On Sunday, my grandfather took the whole family and Markell out to breakfast at the Homestead.

Then Markell, my sister and I went to Burlington to wander Church Street and go to dinner at the Pub & Brewery. (I take people there a lot.) We had a grand time, despite the fact that my sister decided to fall into a pissy mood about halfway through the meal. (The Colts were losing.)

Monday, I got a great many compliments from my coworkers on how much they liked talking to Markell. Many of them also commented on how they had never heard me talk to much and that they didn't know I was so funny. (Thanks, guys!)

We are tentatively planning for Markell to visit again in the summer (perhaps with other friends in tow) so that we can go see a movie at the drive-in.

A Most Ingenious Pair o' Gloves

2010-11-09T18:52:00.006-05:00

When I first saw the colorway Pirate King, I knew I had to knit something for my younger brother Karl with it.

When he was a junior in high school, he played the Pirate King in our high school's production of The Pirates of Penzance. In homage to one of the songs the Pirate King sings, I knit him a most ingenious pair o' gloves.

A Most Ingenious Paradox

The gloves feature a garter stitch "X" on the back of the hand. Piratical theme after all.

Karl had entirely too much fun modeling them for me. I asked him to get out his swords (to keep up the piratical theme) and he was swinging them around and posing. It was delightful.

I am stoked to have them finished because I was knitting them for the Harry Potter Knitting Crocheting House Cup (HPKCHC) as an Astronomy O.W.L. For this O.W.L., I had to knit a project I had designed and then write up the pattern for publishing. A Most Ingenious Pair o' Gloves is now available in my Ravelry store. And now that I've earned the O.W.L., I get a fun little badge to put on my blog and in my Ravelry account.

In Case Anyone Was Worried,

2010-10-31T13:50:00.003-04:00

I am still alive.

I've been playing Harry Potter Knitting Crocheting House Cup over on Ravelry, which is just motivation to finish my Christmas presents. Which I am way behind on.

My job is really cutting into my knitting time, but I have no intention of returning to unemployment. What started out as a temporary position is becoming less and less temporary. I was originally only supposed to stay until Receptionist Tanya got back from maternity in November. Then I was asked to come back in February when another girl went out on maternity. About a week later, I was asked if I just want to stay on in the interim. So I said, "Sure." As long as they keep paying me, I will keep coming to work.

I retook the GRE yesterday and improved my scores just a bit. I got 70 points higher on Verbal and 50 points higher on Math, which is better than I thought I would do. Apparently, the key to doing well on standardized tests is to not study at all and then just waltz in like you own the place.

I'm starting my applications to grad school, which are all due in December and January. I want to have them done before Christmas so I can finish my quarter life crisis before the holidays.

Work & Red Lobster

2010-09-17T18:43:00.003-04:00

Fourthly: I Got A Job

Jess: Malgor! Guess what!

Malgor: Unless it has something to do with either necromancy or entrelac, I don't care.

Jess: I got a job.

Malgor: You mean the gig at Dunkin' Donuts you told me about over a month ago?

Jess: No. This is a different job. A better job. A grown-up job.

Malgor: What constitutes a grown-up job?

Jess: I wear nylons to work and say things like, "Please hold while I transfer your call."

Malgor: So, to you, "office" equals "grown-up"?

Jess: Basically.

Malgor: Well, good for you.

Fifthly: Red Lobster

Mom: Jess, do you want to go to Queensbury with us this weekend?

Note: Queensbury is a very important away meet for my sister's cross-country team.

Jess: No. I think I'll just stay home and knit.

Mom: Laura, do we have to go to Pizza Hut with the team for dinner?

Laura: I want to go to dinner with my team.

Dad: We're not on the team. Maybe I want to go to Red Lobster.

Jess: I want to go if we're going to Red Lobster.

Sixthly: On My B.A.

Our friend, Holly: So, what kinds of things can you do with a Bachelor's in Linguistics?

Jess: Uh, I'm not really sure. You can go to graduate school for linguistics. It's the kind of major that just says, "Look at my expensive piece of paper."

Mom: Maybe you should figure out what people do with linguistics before you get a PhD in it.

Jess: Screw that. Ima be Doctor Bechard.

Also:

My grandmother is now friends with me on Facebook. Guess I can't say anything interesting there anymore.

I've decided that I'm going to start a yarn store. I'm still going to get my PhD. I'll spend a few years lecturing or doing research, then I'll quit and open my yarn store. My mother will be very upset with me for wasting my education, but I'll claim that the politics at the university were what made me want to leave, and she will forgive me.

At least three times today, I suddenly remembered that we're going to Red Lobster tomorrow, and I got really happy.

I ordered take-out for dinner last night. Based on the prices in the menu, I figured that it would be $7.15. I had a $10 and thought that was enough for a pretty good tip. The girl got to the house and says, "Okay. That's $9.75."

I thought, "Crap." And handed her the $10 and then felt really bad for giving such a crappy tip.

I suppose I could have gone to get more money, but I don't think that would have been much better. "Wait there in the rain with my dog barking at you while I go and get some quarters out of the bottom of my purse because I don't have any more paper money on me. I'll be right back."

I Suppose We Should Have Expected This

2010-08-29T15:39:00.004-04:00

I am often confused and amazed that we ended up with eccentric pets. I will look at one of my pets and watch her playing with a piece of wrapping paper, or spazzing out and rolling around on the couch, or waking up from a dead sleep with a start and a meow, and say, "Boy you're weird."

But, I suppose, with the human absurdism surrounding them, what else can be expected.

Phoebe thinks the scratching post makes a great bed.

Chloe sees a bug in that lampshade.

I have no idea what the hell Sheila is doing on the picnic table.

Our pets are very lazy.

Adult Supervision

2010-08-21T16:36:00.002-04:00

Thirdly: Slip 'n' Slide

My younger brother Karl and I were watching TV and saw a commercial for a Slip 'n' Slide.

Jess: Oh. That looks like fun.

Karl: Yeah it does. Oh, but it says adult supervision required.

(pause)

Jess: Wait. We're both adults.

Karl: Oh yeah. We could supervise ourselves.

Waffle's Waffles

2010-08-17T19:37:00.003-04:00

Finally, it is here: Laura's Hat.

I finished this hat last spring as a gift for Laura's confirmation.

I finally got around to taking pictures so that I could post the pattern. I spent about half an hour earlier today tormenting my little sister by making her put on her hat and coat (so that it would look like winter) and then stand in front of the garage with ski poles so that I could take pictures.

The pattern is available for free on Ravelry, for all interested parties.

Some Conversations I've Had

2010-08-15T23:12:00.000-04:00

At times, I am surprised that this is actually my life.

Some of the things that happen to me, that I do or say, or that people say to me seems completely surreal. I may or may not be living in a sitcom. Or perhaps a Monty Python tribute.

Firstly: A Conversation I Had With My Former Roommate

Jess: (walks in with a box of yarn)

Winnie: Jess, is that more yarn? Don't you have enough?

Jess: No. I used up what I had. I needed more.

Winnie: You knit too much. You need to get a hobby.

Jess: Winifred, knitting is my hobby.

Winnie: Well, you need another one.

Jess: All right. Let's say I take your advice and take up another hobby. Let's say woodworking. A year from now, you and I are going to be standing in a lumber yard and you will be saying, "Jess! You woodwork too much. You need to get a hobby."

Secondly: Getting Drunk Dialed From Australia

Jess: (answers phone) Hello?

Alex: Hey, Jess. It's Piggy.

Note: It was one in the afternoon for me on Long Island. It was three in the morning for Alex in Brisbane.

Jess: Hey, Piggy. What's going on?

Alex: Not much. I'm drunk.

Jess: Why are you drunk, sweetheart?

Alex: I went to a gay bar with my friends.

Jess: How was that?

Alex: It was fun! Hey, do you remember those socks you made me? The blue ones, with the stripes, that you gave me for Christmas?

Note: These are the only socks I've ever made for him, and yes, I do in fact remember them.

Jess: Yeah, Alex, I remember them. What about them?

Alex: I wore them*. Don't worry. I made it home safe. I took a cab.

Jess: That was smart.

Alex: It cost me $40.

Jess: Holy crap, Alex, where was this bar? New Zealand?

Alex: No. It was on the other side of the river. I'm going to bed now.

Jess: Okay. Good night. (hangs up & then lies down and pretty much dies laughing)

*Alex called Julia later that day (when it more like noon for him and ten at night for us) and told her that the reason he was wearing the socks I knit him was because they are the most flamboyant clothes he owns. Just so everyone understands how funny that is, here is a picture of those socks:

No, really. This is my life. I couldn't make this kind of stuff up. Well, I could, but I didn't have to.

Three Mini-Adventures

2010-08-10T16:05:00.009-04:00

On Thursday night, two of my good friends came up to visit me from Long Island.

Alex and Julia and I went to Shelburne Museum on Friday and had a great time schlepping through the old buildings & the covered bridge...

playing Jenga...

and checking out the Ansel Adams exhibit. Although I did have a hard time convincing Julia to stop touching the displays.

On Saturday, we spent the day in Montreal. The customs officer going into Canada was kind of rude to us, but other than that (and getting a little bit lost due to a detour getting off Pont Champlain... and Alex convincing us to climb to the top of Mont Royal) it was a fun day.

We found fun logs to climb on and an aboriginal art festival with drums and teepees.

We wandered the McGill campus and saw some very exciting academic buildings. Then relaxed on one of the lawns and observed the antics of a very funny squirrel.

Alex then convinced us to climb to the top of Mont Royal, which had about a million stairs, far more than the Tabler steps. The views were not nearly spectacular enough to make the 57 billions stairs worth the climb. Alex did buy us ice cream to make up for it.

On Sunday, Alex and Julia were very excited to watch True Blood on an actual television instead of a computer screen. To celebrate, we spent a few hours Sunday afternoon making "Team Eric" and "Team Alcide" T-shirts. Alex and Julia are both Team Eric, while my sister Laura and I are Team Alcide.

Although I wouldn't kick Eric out of bed, I think that he would lose interest in a human girl fairly quickly. I'd rather have the werewolf. I mean, seriously, look at him.

A Beatles Tribute

2010-07-21T10:14:00.004-04:00

Last night, my mother and I schlepped down to the Clinton County fair grounds to see a Beatles tribute band called "Yesterday".

Other than waiting in line for almost 40 minutes so that we could turn left into the fair grounds, it was quite fantastic.

The band was very good. They were not, in fact, the Beatles, but we knew that going in.

I'm a bit hoarse today from all the shouting and singing along.

They played "Do You Want to Know a Secret?" somewhere in the middle of their first set, which happens to be my second favorite Beatles song, right after "When I'm 64".

This seems as good a time as any to post my Russian translation of "Do You Want to Know a Secret?". The refrain even fits the meter properly. The rest doesn't really, and it doesn't rhyme. But whatever.

"ты не хочешь знаеть сикрет?"

"Do You Want to Know a Secret?"

Ты не знаешь сколко Я тебя люблю

You’ll never know how much I really love you

Сколко Я заботиюсь тебе

You’ll never know how much I really care

Слушай, ты не хочешь знаеть сикрет?

Listen, do you want to know a secret?

Обещаешь не сказать?

Do you promise not to tell?

Ближе, Прошепгу тебе на ухо

Closer, Let me whisper in your ear

Слова, что ты хочешь слышать

Say the words you want to hear

Я влюблен в тебя

I’m in love with you

Я знал сикпрет неделю или гве

I’ve known a secret for a week or two

Никто не знаеть, Толко мы

Nobody knows, Just we two

Bastille Day

2010-07-14T06:00:00.001-04:00

The story of Bastille Day, as I told it to my 11-year-old cousin...

Well, it was right after the dinosaurs had finished building the pyramids for the aliens. The aliens left and the dinosaurs all went to France to party because they were so happy that the centuries of tyranny had ended.

However, the aliens came back, because they thought the dinosaurs might tear down the pyramids and try to exact their revenge.

So the aliens locked all of the dinosaurs in a big prison called the Bastille in what is now Paris. The dinosaurs had vowed that they would never again be enslaved by other worldly entities, so they started a rebellion and broke out of the Bastille while Saint Patrick was driving all of the snakes out of Ireland.

The aliens quashed the rebellion, killing all of the dinosaurs. Then they spread their fossils all over the world so that it wouldn't look suspicious.

That's why the French celebrate Bastille Day: in order to commemorate the poor dinosaurs who were only trying to achieve the French ideals of liberté, egalité, et fraternité.

What made it even better was that he believed me!

Seriously, don't listen to me when I start spouting ridiculous history. You'd be better off looking on Wikipedia.

Au Sable Chasm

2010-07-11T13:02:00.004-04:00

Joy of joys, two of my friends came to see me this weekend.

Michelle and Jordanna schlepped up from Long Island to spend the weekend in the great barren North at our house.

Yesterday, despite the intense mugginess, we went hiking in Au Sable Chasm. Au Sable is about a 40 minute drive south of us and is a little known natural wonder to anyone not from the area. The sign out front pegs it as the Grand Canyon of the East, but I don't think I'd go as far as to say that.

There are lots of little signs along the trails with fun geological facts in them. Our favorite fact was the name of this particular type of fissure. It is called a lateral thrust. Apparently, these thrusts are strong enough to break rock. Fascinating.

But I think my favorite photo of the day was this one, with Jordanna and a pathetic little tree. There are little tree stumps all around it, like someone in charge of thinning out the arboreal herd decided they were too small and weak to live. This woody wretch, however, was not taken out of it's misery. The look on Jordanna's face whilst contemplating this poor little Charlie Brown tree is what makes this photo so great.

More Sock Knitting

2010-06-27T16:52:00.009-04:00

Today, while re-watching Season 1 of True Blood*, I finished yet another pair of socks. These ones are for my Dad for Christmas. The pattern is Earl Grey from Stephanie Pearl-McPhee's blog, The Yarn Harlot. They were made two at a time (as all of my socks are) on two sets of size 2 circular needles (again, as always). I used not quite two skeins of Knit Picks Stroll Tweed Sock Yarn in the color Ash.

These socks first appeared on the blog in the post Secret Knitting, when they were just about half done. They are now completely done. Dad was very excited when I told him they were done. He might become less excited when I tell him they aren't his until Christmas.

I also finished my vampire socks some time ago, but never posted a photo of the finished socks. I call them Eric Northman. They were done on June 3rd. I first discussed these socks in Great Moments in Socks and again in Part Deux. Well, they're done.

*Is it just me, or was Bill ten times hotter in Season One than in Season Two? I don't know what make-up did to him during Season Two (maybe they stopped putting make-up on him at all; he looked really, really dead). Maybe they were trying to downplay his hotness so we would prefer Alex Skarsgard. I don't know, but I like hot Bill better.

Oh Look

2010-06-20T19:00:00.004-04:00

Oh look. I've redone the blog.

It now has a different color scheme and I moved the "About Me" to the top of the blog.

I also have new boxes to the right with "Last Movie I Saw" and "What I'm Reading Right Now" and a list of links to my other social networking sites.

Ta da!

A Post About Movies

2010-06-16T09:30:00.004-04:00

I am a big fan of movies. I'm not very picky about what I watch and we have a NetFlix account, so I can stream movies and TV shows to my computer (and the TV that's hooked up to the Wii).

While I have watched an unknown number of movies, and always like finding new ones to love, I also have a tendency to watch my favorites over and over again, ad nauseam. For instance, I can't tell you have many times I've seen The Princess Bride. It has to be at least ten times. And there are others.

Movies I Think I've Seen At Least Ten Times

The Princess Bride (Honestly, this is my favorite movie. It has been since I was about twelve. Of course I've seen it about a thousand times.)
Ferris Bueller's Day Off (I watch this movie whenever I feel down, and it makes me feel better. I'm fully aware that it's not a cinematic masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, but I like it.)
Forrest Gump (I think it was TNT that had it on twice a night every night for a week. Jordanna and I watched it four times in one week alone.)
Dirty Dancing (For a while, my mom and I would watch this movie every other weekend. I've probably seen Dirty Dancing more than twenty times.)
A Knight's Tale (There are so many historical inaccuracies in this movie that it could be made into a drinking game, but that didn't stop me and Jordanna from watching it twice in one day.)
Empire Records (We used to watch this every year on the Model UN trip to Boston. So that's at least four times, not counting watching it with Julia or by myself.)
Monty Python & the Holy Grail (I think that this movie is the basis of my entire sense of humor. It's too absurd to get old.)

There are plenty more that will soon be on this list. I've already seen the new Star Trek movie five times, and it just came out last summer.

I just discovered Harold & Maude last summer; I can see it ending up on the list.

I didn't put any holiday movies on the list because I've watched them every year near or on the appropriate holiday for most of my life, so I've seen them 21 times. These are mostly Christmas movies, like It's A Wonderful Life (I cry every single time I watch it) and How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the cartoon version), and also It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (which it completely fantastic.)

I also didn't put any Disney movies on the list, not because I haven't seen any of them more than ten times, but because I've probably seen all of them more than ten times. The background noise to my childhood was written and produced by Disney.

Secret Knitting

2010-06-14T11:15:00.002-04:00

Earlier this week, while I was watching the entire first season of Party Down on Netflix with Malgor, I cast on a new project.

"Whatcha making?" Malgor asked me.

"You can't know. It's a secret. I'm going to try to publish this pattern, so you can't see it."

"Fine. What's this other project? What are you knitting on these needles?" he asked, rummaging through my knitting bag.

"That's a secret, too."

"You have an awful lot of secret knitting in this bag. What are these? Socks?"

"Yeah. Those are socks for my dad. They're not a secret. I'm about halfway through the heel flaps."

"Whatever. I'm bored. You want to go fight some demons or something?"

"Not right now. I'm in the middle of a cable row."

"Ugh. I want something to do," the Undead King whined.

"Take out your own knitting."

"I don't knit," he answered defensively.

"We both know you do."

Malgor flopped back onto the couch with a "Hmpf!" and a half-finished Fair Isle mitten materialized in his hands.

"Don't tell anyone!"

"Not a soul," I replied.

Another Adorable Picture of Phoebe

2010-06-05T11:33:00.003-04:00

Look at how cute she is with the baseball cap on her head.

My Bedroom is Like a Clown Car

2010-06-03T09:59:00.002-04:00

I've been cleaning out my room and have discovered that there is an extraordinary amount of stuff in there. I don't know how it all fit. It's kind of like a clown car: all of those people can't possibly fit in there, yet they keep getting out. However, whereas clown cars depend on trap doors to create an illusion, all of this crap actually fit in my room.

So far, I have either thrown or given away:

- 3 garbage bags of clothes

- 6 pairs of jeans ripped beyond wearability (which were recycled to make insulation)

- over 50 books

- 1 paper box full of old magazines (why was I keeping them?)

- 1 garbage bag of stuffed animals

- 1 boom box (it wasn't mine as far as I know, but none of the rest of my family claimed it; where did it come from?)

- 1 garbage bag & 1 paper box full of old toys

- 3 garbage bags & 3 grocery bags of trash (old papers, broken toys, et cetera)

And I'm not nearly done.

Setting Some Goals

2010-05-25T16:36:00.005-04:00

Last Friday, I sat in the intense heat in the Kenneth P. LaValle Stadium for far too long, schvitzing like crazy in my cap and gown, and received my degree. Now the question must be asked: what does one do with a B.A. in linguistics?

Since I didn't get into graduate school (which wasn't much of a surprise given that I only applied to two schools and they happen to be the Scylla and Charybdis of the graduate linguistics circuit and I am not the linguistic Ulysses), my only remaining options are becoming a lazy good-for-nothing or getting a real job in the real world. I prefer the latter.

I asked myself: Self, what do you want to get out of life?

I've thought about it.

What I Want in This Life

1) I want a job that I don't hate. I don't want to have to force myself out of bed every morning or go to bed in a mild panic because I know I have to work the next day. I'm not sure what this job will be. All I know is this: I can't sell any more crap. Every career aptitude test I've ever taken says that I should be in sales. I hate selling things.

2) I want a home I'm proud of and like living in. After four years in dormitories, with endless cretins and drama queens for roommates, I want to live somewhere that I am proud of. I want to buy furniture and paint and keep house. I would prefer a brick house with a big backyard so I can garden and have a dog.

2a) I don't want to live anywhere that has earthquakes, tornadoes, or hurricanes. I know that this kind of limits me to the Northeast or the Pacific Northwest (or possibly Canada), but I'm okay with that. I was looking at a job in Wisconsin and one of my friends said, "Ugh! But they get so much snow there!" This is true; but it is also true that I am from the frozen north. Surviving a long, harsh winter is already in my skill set.

3) I want to make enough money that I don't have to live hand to mouth. Is that really too much to ask? I have never been truly impoverished, but I understand the concept. I've had trouble keeping up with my car insurance payments while keeping myself fed. I would like to eventually be able to stop doing this. I want to make enough money that I can have some kids and afford to send them to college.

4) I want to be part of a community. I'm from a small town where everyone knows me or knows my father or grandfather. Once upon a time, I was active in my church and helped with all the fundraising events. I want to know my neighbors.

There are some other things I might still want, like that PhD, but those are relatively minor compared to these few big ongoing things.

I don't think that I'm asking for too much, to be quite honest. They're all things that I'll have to earn; it might be the hardest thing I've ever done. But isn't that always the case? Until the next challenge comes along?

Great Moments in Socks, Part Deux

2010-05-15T15:54:00.006-04:00

So, I finished one of the two pairs of socks I was knitting simultaneously and now, as promised, I will tell you all about them.

The winner is Spring Forward. I finished them last night and wore them out to Olive Garden. No one at Olive Garden saw them. No one ever sees my wonderful socks.

I still have quite a bit of TOFUtsies leftover from these socks. And my adjustment to the gauge was fine; they fit the way I expected them to.

I'm still working on my Vampire Boyfriend socks.

I'm about two-thirds through the foot. I expect that it will only take a few more hours of knitting before they're done. And as I now have a week until graduation and nothing to do but pack up my dorm room and knit, I am going to knit. A lot.

Here they are again from the back. The heels stick out in a funny way when they aren't on a pair of feet.

I suspect that I'll have a lot of leftover yarn from these as well.

I could start knitting another, a third, pair of socks before I finished knitting my vampire socks. I have sock yarn and a pattern in mind for socks to give my dad for Christmas.

We'll see...

Some Pictures of My Pets

2010-05-13T18:41:00.008-04:00

I am writing this post only because I want to put up pictures of my pets. They are adorable and everyone should be able to experience the immeasurable joy that is the cuteness of my pets.

This is Chloe when she was about a third of the size she is now hiding under a dining room chair and batting at a popsicle stick. Chloe loves popsicle sticks.

She is all cat. If I'm sitting on the couch and say, "Chloe, come sit with mama", she will look at me and then not come and sit with me. It's as if she's saying, "I will acknowledge that you've called my name. I am not ignoring you out of ignorance for my own name. I am ignoring you because I feel like it. I will sit with you when I am good and ready."

Here's another photo of Chloe when she's older, asleep in the beach towels in the laundry room.

This is Phoebe. She's about the same age as Chloe but a lot smaller.

She might be a little bit retarded. She's fallen in the hot tub three times and appears to have no swimming instinct whatsoever. But that's okay. What she lacks in intelligence, she makes up for in love.

Phoebe lets me hold her like a baby. And she likes to try to give the dog a bath. It's really funny.

On Christmas, she wandered around the house with a green bow in her mouth for about four hours. She would carry it around, drop it on the floor, bat it around for a little while, then pick it up and carry it around some more.

This is Sheila. We aren't quite sure what kind of dog she is. Maybe part beagle and part Collie? Or part Shetland sheepdog? Or something?

As are most dogs, Sheila is really good at making sure. Making sure that we know there's a car coming up the driveway; making sure the cats coming into the house are the same cats that were here this morning; making sure that soccer ball will never hold air ever again.

Here is Sheila with a towel on her head. I'm not sure why.

TARDIS: No-Bake Nutella Cookies

2010-05-09T17:50:00.004-04:00

I invented these because I wanted to create cookies that had Nutella in them and I wanted a no-bake cookie for the summer. No one wants to have a 350〫F heat source in the house in the summer.

For some reason, I always want to watch Dr. Who after I make these cookies. Because of this, I've named these cookies TARDIS, after the Doctor's time-traveling police box. TARDIS, of course, is an acronym for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space.

So, here they are: TARDIS.

No-Bake Nutella Cookies

1/2 cup unsalted butter

1/2 cup light brown sugar

1/2 tsp vanilla

1/3 cup Nutella (I usually eyeball this because it's so sticky)

pinch of salt (~1/8 tsp)

1/2 tbsp flour

1 tbsp milk

3 cups Rice Krispies

Beat together butter and sugar until fluffy.

Add vanilla and Nutella. Beat together until well blended.

Add milk, salt, and flour. Stir until blended.

Add Rice Krispies. Stir until all of the cereal is coated with the Nutella mixture. At this point, the mixture will be sticky and hard to form into cookies.

Put bowl of dough in the freezer for about an hour. The dough should now stick to itself and hold together.

Using hands, form dough into balls (about the size of meatballs) and place on a plate. Put plate of cookies back in the freezer to harden for two hours.

Once the cookies are fully hardened, they can be taken off the plate and stored in a Ziploc bag.

They will keep in the freezer for over a month, but good luck keeping them that long.

Chocolate Pudding Cookies

2010-05-08T19:36:00.004-04:00

I've been at it again: inventing new recipes for baked goods.

This time, it's cookies.

These cookies have chocolate pudding in them and wish that they were cupcakes.

The dough is the appropriate consistency that I would call it cookie dough rather than cake batter, but the finished item is light and fluffy like a tiny cake.

They are mildly chocolaty due to the fact that they are full of pudding-y goodness.

Chocolate Pudding Cookies

1/2 cup unsalted butter

1/2 cup white sugar

1/3 cup brown sugar

1 egg

1/2 tsp vanilla

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp baking soda

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

about 1/2 cup prepared chocolate pudding (I used 2 Snack Pack pudding cups)

Beat butter and sugars together until fluffy.

Add vanilla and beat. Add egg and beat.

Add dry ingredients and stir well.

Add pudding and stir into dough until well blended.

Place tbsp-sized dollops of dough onto greased cookie sheet.

Bake at 350〫F for 10-12 minutes.

My friend Alex said they were like "little chocolate pillows". I'll take that.

My (Partially) Fictional Biography

2010-05-04T20:11:00.007-04:00

I was born in the year 1017 in Normandy. I learned to knit as a young child in order to protect myself and my 23 brothers and sisters from the harsh northern European winters. I was trained as a druid and led many an occult ritual in between bouts of needlework.

One day, I wandered through the blue mist into another space and time, and found myself in 215BC Carthage. I followed Hannibal gloriously into battle, where I met my friends Alex and Michelle. Once during the war, I accidently cut Michelle in half. In my defense, she shouldn't have snuck up on me while I was cleaning the broadswords.

Elephants really hate the Alps, by the way; they don't like skiing, they don't like cuckoo clocks, they don't like anything Switzerland has to offer. Don't ever try to take elephants through the Alps.

After the war, Michelle and Alex and I wandered Europe for a few centuries, fighting wars where and when they cropped up.

In 1150, I left my friends and entered the University of Paris as part of their inaugural class, where Eleanor of Aquitaine was my sorority sister. Lambda Iota Epsilon. Woo!

Eleanor led me into the Second Crusade, where I was reunited with Alex and Michelle. We fought righteously in the name of Christianity. Then we found out that the war was really about gold, not God. At this point, we peaced out and went to the Crimean for a while.

During the 1720s, I disguised myself as a boy and joined the Royal Navy. They figured out I was a girl pretty quickly.

After that, I sang opera throughout Europe as a celebrated mezzo-soprano. However, 57 years of opera is rough on the larynx and I really shouldn't sing anymore. In spite of this, I remained in France to help incite the French Revolution.

One day, while lounging in my apartments on the Champs-Élysées along with Amoux, my bouvier des Flandres, I received a letter from Alex and Michelle, inviting me to join them in the Crimean War. Fondly remembering both our times warring together and our time spent in the Crimea after deserting the Crusades (and to be quite honest, France had gotten boring after the end of the Revolution), I agreed and went to fight another war.

After the Crimean War ended, much to everyone's dismay, I worked my way back across Europe as an au pair for a number of different well-to-do families. I made it back to England a few years before Queen Victoria's diamond jubilee. I met up at the jubilee celebration with Alex, who was returning to England after 20 years military service in the Raj.

A few years later, I left England.

After a brief stint making kirschwasser in Bavaria, I moved to Saint Petersburg. I helped storm the Winter Palace during the October Revolution in 1917. In 1945, after 28 years of communism and farming potatoes, I'd had about enough of that crap and defected back to Normandy.

Thence I emigrated to America, where I was a hell of a housewife in the 1950s. I spent the next 30 years raising five children in the idyllic American suburbs. After this delightful domestic interlude, I decided to go back to school.

In two weeks, I will graduate cum laude from Stony Brook University with a B.A. in Linguistics.

Things to be Happy About

2010-04-21T18:49:00.013-04:00

On Monday night, I was talking to my "son" Yong about Star Trek. I was trying to come up with the name of the actor who played Dr. McCoy in the original series and could not for the life of me think of his name. I was trying to remind myself of it; I said, "Oh, it was something uncommon and it had a 'D' and a 'K' in it. Damn. What was his name?"

Yong had no idea what I was talking about.

On Tuesday morning, I was pouring my coffee, thinking that I was running out of Splenda and that I should buy some more and suddenly I yelled, "DeForest Kelley!"

It is time yet again for me to compile a list of things that please me.

Here are a few more things that make me happy.

1. The Muppets

2. someone to do the crossword with

3. chicken roasted so that it falls off the bone

4. using the good china

5. tapioca pudding

6. random acts of kindness

7. analogies

8. obscure references

(and I love Jordanna for catching my references all the time, and for making obscure references for me to catch)

9. beards

10. pewter buttons

11. brick houses

12. Old Spice commercials (they are consistently absurd)

13. Old Spice (I've said it before: this is what a man should smell like)

14. 3D movies

15. reading out loud and/or being read to

16. The Battle Hymn of the Republic

17. pretty much anything by Van Gogh

18. refrigerator magnets

19. polo shirts

20. tea-length skirts

21. tandem bicycles

22. people asking me "How do you know that?"

23. Robot Chicken

24. bringing the dog with me to run errands

25. tulips

26. Golden Corral

27. Happy Meal toys

28. things I learned from movies helping me in my real life

29. Burt's Bees lip balm

30. computer games I played in elementary school {Gizmos & Gadgets; Midnight Rescue; Amazon Trail; The Logical Journey of the Zoombinis}

31. parliamentary procedure

32. campfires

33. Taco Thursdays

34. foreign coins

35. when I see someone else doing needlework in public

36. going berry picking so we can make jam

37. pint glasses

38. Halloween

39. riding a carousel

40. "You're a scholar and a gentleman."

41. six degrees of separation

42. movie theatre popcorn

43. hammocks

44. my parents

45. my brother & sister

46. most of my extended family (some of them I haven't met, so I don't know)

47. casseroles (one-dish meals are the bomb)

48. scallops wrapped in bacon

49. anything novel, quirky, innovative, or eccentric

50. gummy multi-vitamins

51. cheesecake

52. The Little Prince, the book

53. Keds

54. wearing my hair in pigtails

55. koi ponds

I have made mistakes so extraordinary that, at the time, I thought the world would collapse around me, but I haven't destroyed myself yet.

And I Wonder Why People Think I'm Weird

2010-04-19T15:57:00.001-04:00

My brother Karl and I were playing with the Wii Fit over spring break.

The two of us spent over an hour trying to beat our sister's score at ski jumping. Then Karl said to me, "We're competing with each other at fitness. Isn't that called 'sports'?"

Then we went outside.

Alex, on what he would be like if he were a cat:

"You guys would probably make fun of me for not killing anything and then one day I would kill a wallaby. I would drag that s**t in and you would all be amazed. First, because I had to break into the zoo to get it, and second, because I actually killed it. And I would eat it, too. And I ain't sharing that s**t with y'all."

Apparently, some people think that I'm crazy for putting together a zombie preparedness kit. But who will be laughing once the zombies take over? Nobody! Because the zombies have taken over!

My sister called me last week and said, "Mom has watched New Moon every day this week."

"What? Why?"

"Because we watched it on Sunday and I left it in the DVD player. So every morning, Mom came downstairs and couldn't find anything on TV, so she watched New Moon. Again."

"You need to load up the DVD player with something else."

"It's okay. I'm going to watch a bunch of Monty Python today and leave it there."

"Good!"

From my Latin book:

"The gerund is half noun and half verb - almost like a grammatical Centaur."

I suppose that would make participles like grammatical satyrs.

I want to get a bamboo plant for my office because I don't think that there's enough oxygen in there.

I'm going to name him Radu because Radu rhymes with bamboo and it was the name of my favorite character on Space Cases.

Great Moments in Socks

2010-04-13T18:58:00.007-04:00

I have made a great leap in my love of sock knitting. Yesterday, I cast on a new pair of socks even though I already had a pair in progress. This is unprecedented for me. Mostly because, until recently, I've only had one set of sock needles.

I started a pair of My Vampire Boyfriend at the beginning of March. I named the project Eric Northman, who is played by very sexy Swedish actor Alexander Skarsgard on the HBO series "True Blood".

I'm using two size 2 (2.75 mm) circular needles and 1 skein of Knit Picks Stroll Kettle Dyed Sock in Wine.

They are far too complicated to work on in class, so they are reserved for the evenings, after I've finished my homework and I'm watching Jordanna play video games or waiting for my casserole to come out of the oven. Therefore, they have been coming along rather slowly. Right now, I'm most of the way through the heel flaps.

I cast on a pair of Spring Forward yesterday for the April Sock Knitters Anonymous. I'm using 1 skein of SWTC Tofutsies in Four Leaf TOEver, which knits at 8 sts/inch instead of 7.5, as called for in the pattern, but I think it'll be fine. I'm about six rows into the cuffs. I'm also using two size 2 (2.75 mm) circular needles for these socks.

These have a pattern simple enough to keep track of while also paying attention to my professors or watching "Jeopardy!". These should knit up much quicker than the others and I may in fact finish both pairs around the same time.

Once I finish one pair, I will post again with the progress on the other.

Happy sock knitting!

Some More Postcards I Won't Send

2010-04-11T14:12:00.002-04:00

I have more things to say to people that I can't/won't actually say to them:

Dear Cartoon Network,

I love your programming. Especially Chowder and Adventure Time. But stop referring to this year as "oh ten". It is not Spring Break O-10. It's just ten. Or twenty-ten. But in no logical way should you be calling 2010 "O-10".

Sincerely,

Jessica.

Dear LEGO,

I am in love with your Toy Story LEGOs. However, Buzz does not stay on the back of the RC car. Don't you have some sort of toy testing facility? I want this problem addressed.

Sincerely,

anonymous ten-year-old.

Dear engineers worldwide,

I would like some sort of land transport that travels at around 400 MPH. I could get home from Long Island in right around an hour and that would be pleasing to me.

Japan has bullet trains that can get a Japanese person (and presumably any other person) from any point in Japan to any other point in Japan in less than a day.

I would like to be able to get anywhere in America in a comparable amount of time.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Dear roommate who will remain nameless,

Stop complaining about me to our mutual friends so that they can later tell me that you're mad at me. If you are mad at me, tell me.

Also, if you really think that we are sub-standard roommates, maybe you need to lower your standards or try living with some of the cretins I've lived with in the past.

Love,

Jess

P.S. - I can be passive aggressive, too.

To whoever makes the Sex & the City movies:

Seriously? Abu dhabi? New York stopped being an exciting enough backdrop for you?

And what is Aidan doing there?

I know that Carrie exists in her own reality, but honestly, this is taking it to some sort of extreme. It is my belief that >90% of women living in actual reality would have married Aidan in a heartbeat and never given Big a second glance.

Please let this be the end of Sex & the City. We have six fantastic seasons and two questionable movies. It's over.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Dear Gideon Defoe [author of delightful pirate fiction],

At the end of The Pirates! in an Adventure with Ahab, there is a list of other piratical titles. Most of them do not actually exist. However, if you were to write The Pirates! in an Adventure with the Pope, I would read it and laugh maniacally the entire time.

I would also read The Pirates! in an Adventure with Rasputin. That would be terrific.

Come to think of it, I would probably read any book you wrote involving The Pirates!

Love, Jessica

P.S. - I regard writing stupid books about pirates as an adequate occupation for an adult.

P.P.S. - Pirates rule!

Randomosity Taken to Great Lengths

2010-03-25T21:07:00.007-04:00

That's not to say it's been taken too far. Many times in our apartment, we start off on a tangent and it journeys to some undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns. Here are two great examples from this week.

On "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter":

"It seems defiant, somehow, like it's angry with me," says Natalie.

We have therefore decided to start a new line of insolent, not really real foods.

Based on a quote from one of Julia's co-workers, we will call this line of products "I Know That S**t Ain't Dairy!"

We won't have a butter-like product because there's already one of those. However, there will be products such as "I Refuse to Believe This Isn't Whipped Cream", "If That's Not Cream Cheese, Then I'm a Dutchman", "That Better Not Be Non-Dairy Creamer", "This is Real Cheesecake! Go F**k Yourself!", and "If These Pretzels Aren't Covered in Yogurt, What Have You Been Feeding Me!?".

On the sandals I wore this morning:

I came out of my room wearing a pair of sparkly, gold-colored sandals.

Natalie: "Hark! Be that Hermes, the swift-footed messenger of the Gods?"

Me: "Forsooth, but nay. I am but Jessica."

Natalie: "But she doth wear the winged sandals! What is this trickery!"

"C'est la vie" & What Have You: Foreign Phrases We Use in English for Some Reason

2010-03-22T19:41:00.004-04:00

For some reason, there are a number of foreign language phrases that are used frequently in English. I don't know why; we are perfectly capable of saying them in English.

These phrases are not loan words or claques, which are common in all languages. These a single words with meanings that we cannot express efficiently in English and have therefore borrowed the word from some other language, like "sushi", "moccasin", "mantra", "bundt", et cetera. These words were adopted into the English language because we had no way of expressing such a concept and so the word followed the concept into English from whence it came.

What I am speaking of, however, are the curious cases of whole sentences - entire phrases - that could easily be translated into English but are instead used in their original language. (I provide a list of such cases below.)

Most of the cases I found were borrowed from either Latin or French. The only two that weren't (at least in my collection) are "Mazel tov" and "Gesundheit". Because the majority of these curious cases came from Latin and French, I have to assume that these two languages have some sort of hold over speakers of English which makes them reluctant to translate phrases originating in these two languages into their own vernacular.

There is, of course, a certain amount of prestige that is associated with speaking Latin or French, at least in the anglophone world. I believe that this would lead many English speakers to retain the origin language any phrase coming from Latin or French in order to appear knowledgeable and prestigious.

Surely, an implicature arises from these usages. That which is said in an unusual way more often than not carries an unusual meanings; if one were to use a language other than English in a mostly English conversation, there is some additional meaning accompanying this strange behavior.

I posit that these phrases are used purely to appear to be of a higher class of society, either more cultured, more educated, more well-bred, whatever upper echelon group one associates with the Latin and French languages.

One can use this implicature of prestige in two ways: Firstly, to try to create an in-group feeling among others who might use such language. Secondly, to point out to someone else that they are not part of the in-group because they do not know what these foreign phrases mean. Either of these implicatures may be made unbeknownst to the speaker, so use sparingly.

Foreign Phrases We Use in English for Some Reason

From French:

C'est la vie

Je ne sais quoi

Coup de grace

Joie de vivre

Raison d'etre

Tour de force

Piece de resistance

Voila (but not "voici")

Au contraire

Bon appétit

Bon voyage

Enchanté

Femme fatale

Laissez-faire

Nom de plume

Objet d'arte

Savoir-faire

Soupe du jour

From Latin:

Carpe diem

Caveat emptor

Quid pro quo

A priori

Ad nauseam

Ad infinitum

Ad hoc

Non sequitur

Ipso facto

Mea culpa

Nota bene

Per capita

Alter ego

Magnum opus

Deus ex machina

Et cetera

Incognito

Persona non grata

Ex post facto

Status quo

Verbatim

For the purpose of this exercise, I will not count phrases that are being used in English untranslated because they are direct quotes from literature or film. Therefore, "Cogito ergo sum", "Le jeux sont faits", "Audentes fortunas iuvat" and such will not be counted among the oddities of English borrowings, although the use of such phrases almost certainly has the same type of implicature.

Strawberry Yogurt Muffins

2010-03-15T15:51:00.004-04:00

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.

-William Butler Yeats

Yeats was obviously speaking about cake.

I'm not quite sure why I invented this recipe. I think that I saw some strawberry yogurt in my refrigerator and thought to myself, "I bet strawberry yogurt muffins would be delicious."

Anyway, this quote came to mind while eating said muffins. They are very cake-like and crumbly, and thus fall apart easily.

Strawberry Yogurt Muffins

1 1/2 cups + 2 tbsp all-purpose flour

1 3/4 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

6 tbsp unsalted butter

1 cup granulated sugar + a little extra for sprinkling

1/4 cup canola oil

1/2 tsp vanilla

2 large eggs

4 oz strawberry yogurt (I used Activia)

2 tbsp buttermilk

Preheat oven to 400〫F.

In a small bowl, combine flour, salt, and baking powder.

In a separate bowl, beat together butter and sugar until soft and fluffy. Add oil and vanilla; combine. Add eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition.

Add yogurt and buttermilk to the dry ingredients. Stir.

Combine the two batters in the larger bowl. Stir well.

Pour batter evenly into a greased 12-cup muffin tin.

Sprinkle the tops of the muffins with sugar.

Bake for 15 - 18 minutes, or until the edges of the muffins start to brown.

Allow to cool in the tin for 10 minutes. Eat muffins.

The Implicature of Tautology: A Return to Linguistics

2010-03-14T23:42:00.005-04:00

For a blog entitled The Knitting Linguist, I talk an awful lot about knitting and not very much at all about linguistics. Today will be an interlude in the wonderful world of implicature.

Tautology is often an interesting quirk for beginning students of linguistics (and probably also beginning students of logic). A tautology is any statement that asserts "X is X", such as "Boys will be boys". (There are many phrases that are called tautologies, such as "cease and desist", "ATM machine", et cetera; for the purpose of my argument, I'm going to call these redundancies and not tautologies because they do not assert that X = X, but rather repeat words of the same meaning unnecessarily.)

Tautologies, if taken at face value, are obvious to the point of lunacy. Of course boys will be boys; what else are they going to be? Shetland ponies? Hot fudge sundaes? Absurd.

From a logical standpoint, X = X and there is no way to make X ≉ X. Because there is no way to make X ≉ X, then to state that X = X is redundant. The only reason to say such a thing is because there is a second meaning implicated.

I would like to posit that there are two meanings to any tautology.

Firstly, that there are certain stereotypical characteristics of X, whatever X may be, that are being alluded to by the speaker and should be assumed by the listener. In the case of "Boys will be boys", these characteristics are usually that boys are rowdy, energetic, hard to control, et cetera.

Secondly, that there is nothing to be done about it. When a person says, "Boys will be boys," they are implying that there are no actions to counter this fact. In fact, I have already discussed this aspect of tautology; X = X and there is no time, place, or parallel dimension where is does not hold that X = X.

When a person speaks a tautology, there is a silent secondary clause tacked on the end: "Boys will be boys, and there's nothing to be done about it."

This is true of any tautology that I can think of at the moment. "War is war"; "If you lose, you lose"; "I'll get there when I get there"; "C'est la vie". All wonderful tautologies and all twice as much fun now that they have concise meanings.

Fan Fiction: A Change of Heart

2010-03-10T18:34:00.007-05:00

Several months ago (last June, in fact), I wrote a blog post entitled "Fan Fiction: Or, Keep Your Ravings to Yourself", in which I complained about fan fiction. Among my complaints were bad grammar, disregard for canon, and the fact that it is almost all pornographic.

In the months since then, I have had a change of heart.

The grammar and spelling in most fan fiction is still horrendous. There is little if anything to be done about this. As I've stated previously, "Most of [Harry Potter fan fiction] was written by people who couldn't possibly have read all seven Harry Potter books because, judging by the way they write, they are illiterate."

The disregard for canon is something that I can accept under certain circumstances. If the author acknowledges that he or she is taking a leave from canon, or is suggesting something so absurd that it must be non-canonical, or in cross-over fiction, I find it acceptable.

I believe that this is related to my feelings on story within a story. I don't mind that The Princess Bride is a story within a story (the whole plot of the film is a storybook being read to a sick child) because the ruse is apparent from the beginning of the story. When a story throws that in at the end, like Saint Elsewhere, it pisses me off. But I digress.

In my previous post about fan fiction, I complained about slash fiction. On this point, I believe I have made a 180 degree turn around. I don't always want to read slash fiction, but I have no issues with it at present. My two current favorite slash fiction pairings are Harry/Draco and, from X-Men, Wolverine/Gambit.

But a new thing in fan fiction annoys me: writers who insert themselves into their stories. Especially writers who insert themselves into stories in order to sleep with one of the characters. I make exceptions to this rule, though. If the writer is aware the scenario is ridiculous or one of the characters mentions it, like, "How did you get in our book?", then that's okay. But, otherwise, cut that out!

The Dark Lord Malgor Knits

2010-03-09T18:07:00.003-05:00

Several weeks ago, because I was bored and my other option was washing the dishes, I went to Keep Me in Stitches, a local yarn store. I hadn't been there before. I drove past it several times before finding it.

I entered the yarn store with a few projects in mind, but no real list of what yarn I needed or wanted. While mingling amongst the many fluffy yarns, I spotted a familiar face. Really, it was the familiar back of his head, but nonetheless, there was Malgor, shopping for yarn, his hand-basket resting in the crook of his elbow.

I looked back to the ladies knitting at the table near the front of the store. They either hadn't seen Malgor come in or they weren't aware that he was one of Mephistopheles' fraternity brothers.

"Malgor?" I said.

He turned to me and looked surprised. "Oh. Hi, Jess. Pop Rocks?" he said, proffering the candy.

"Thanks," I said, taking the Pop Rocks and glancing at the yarn Malgor had in his basket. Among the many skeins of black, navy blue, and forest green were several skeins of Debblie Bliss Cashmerino Aran in a lovely shade of pink.

Malgor saw me looking and quickly said, "It's for my niece. What are you doing here?"

"I'm buying yarn. What are you doing here?"

"Nothing!" he said. "Excuse me." Malgor pushed past me to the cash register. He paid for his yarn and then went outside, climbing into his wheel-less Porsche, screeching off to where ever it is he goes.

I don't know how everyone else feels, but the idea of Malgor knitting is thoroughly pleasing to me. I mean, more often than not, he's probably knitting the very fabric of evil itself, but still; he is a knitter. He and I are two of a population that stretches around the world and through time and, in Malgor's case, across multiple planes of existence.

Malgor, in addition to being a minion of Death, driving a Porsche, and being able to conjure Pop Rocks out of thin air, can knit. His awesome factor has doubled in my mind.

These are a Few of My Favorite Things

2010-02-21T15:59:00.004-05:00

In my Russian class, we have been writing a lot of short essays about our favorite things. I written about my favorite movie, my favorite TV show, and my favorite book all in Russian.

This has set me to thinking about my favorite things in various categories. There are many categories in which I have a favorite something. Apparently, there are many things in the world which please me.

So, here they are; a few of my favorite things:

Favorite Scents

Old Spice - Swagger or After Hours; they are both good. I love Old Spice. That's what a man should smell like. And their commercials are the funniest things on television.

Yankee Candles - MacIntosh Spice; they used to have one called something like Apple Cinnamon or Spiced Apple Pie or something. This is close enough. I find this scent to be very autumnal and soothing.

Essential Oils/Other Scents - Almond oil; it smells so delicious.

Favorite Flavors & Foods

Ben & Jerry's - Oatmeal Cookie Chunk; I like the cinnamon ice cream. And I like the oatmeal cookie dough. Cookie dough is often more delicious than the cookies that can be made from it; this is especially true of oatmeal cookies.

Green Mountain Coffee - Mocha Nut Fudge; it's just good.

Fruit - Peaches; they're juicy and wonderful. I would like to have a peach tree in my yard, but I prefer weather that is too cold for peach trees.

Cake - Carrot Cake; I love carrot cake. I used to have my mom make carrot cake for me every year on my birthday, much to the displeasure of my two younger siblings.

Russian Fast Food Franchise - Teremok; they serve blinis. I beleive that I have already discussed the joy that is Teremok in my post entitled Back in the U.S.S.R. But, yes, I love them. My second favorite Russian fast food franchise is Kroshka Kartoshka; they have baked potatoes.

Favorite Media

Movie - Ferris Bueller's Day Off or The Princess Bride; in Russian, I wrote about Ferris Bueller's Day Off. This movie always makes me happy. Whenever I feel sad, I watch Ferris Bueller. This is also true of The Princess Bride. They are both fabulous movies.

Character from a Movie - Cameron Frye from Ferris Bueller's Day Off; he's so pathetic and he's so adorable. There's one scene that starts with him just sitting behind the wheel of his car, sniffling; he's adorable. My other favorite movie character is Lt. Dan from Forrest Gump. I used to have a fish named Lt. Dan, but one of the cats got him.

Band - Weezer; I'm only missing two of their CDs. I've seen them in concert, I like their lyrics, I like the music, and I love them. However, they might be getting edged out by Vampire Weekend. Vampire Weekend is very laid back and they are good for any mood I'm in. They aren't quite tied for first yet.

Song by the Beatles - "When I'm Sixty Four"; one of my friends once made fun of me for liking this song. "Yes," she said, "domestic bliss. What more could one want?" To which I meekly replied, "I want domestic bliss."

TV Show - Jeopardy!; I love Jeopardy! They would never let me host the show (and they would probably kick me out of the audience) because I'm always yelling at the contestants for being idiots.

Cartoon Show Loosely Based on Asian Culture - Avatar: The Last Airbender; Avatar had great character development, a complex story line, and my sister and I are always texting quotes from the show to each other. It has become such an essential part of our personal canon that it has to have the honor of being my favorite. My second favorite cartoon show loosely based on Asian culture is, of course, Samurai Jack.

Comic Book Superhero - Spiderman; I love Peter Parker because he's a nerd. Spiderman was revolutionary when it was first written. There had never been a teenage superhero before and Spiderman had real problems. He was very human in additional to being superhuman. And I have a soft spot for skinny boys with glasses.

Star Trek Captain - Captain Jean-Luc Picard; he was such a good captain. Whenever I watch TOS, I'm always amazed that Captain Kirk was made an admiral. People on his ship are always dying, he's going to bed with alien women on almost every planet they land on, there are always emergencies that probably could have been easily prevented. Picard is so much more level-headed and just a better leader. Also, Patrick Stewart was recently knighted. Top that, Shatner!

Favorite Other Things In My Life

Sport - Hockey; I'm from so close to Canada, I have to like hockey. If I didn't, I would have been run out of town many, many moons ago. I don't really care for any other commonly watched professional sport. I don't like baseball; I don't like football; I don't like basketball; I don't like soccer. But I love hockey.

Hockey Player - My dad.

Professional Hockey Player - Martin Brodeur; he's the goalie for the New Jersey Devils and he is awesome. He's getting fairly old to be a professional hockey player (he's 37), but I have the feeling that he could play for another five or more years. His style of goaltending is very zen. And he's very good at it.

Ride at The Great Escape - The Canyon Blaster; it is a delightful log ride/roller coaster. Every time I go there with my friends, I convince Kelsey to ride it with me at least three times. Every time, she screams like a little girl and tells me that she hates me. I think it's great because I get wet but my shoes don't get wet and squishy.

Things to Knit - Socks; I get in so many arguments with people about the merits of hand knit socks. I get asked, "Why would you spend so much time making something that you can buy?" Firstly, screw you. Secondly, anything that I make myself is automatically better than the version that I could have bought. No one would ever suggest to me that I should go buy a package of Chips Ahoy instead of making chocolate chip cookies from scratch, especially anyone who has ever eaten my chocolate chip cookies. Why would the same people suggest that socks knit at the highest possible profit on a machine I've never met would be comparable to something that I've custom-made for myself out of better quality materials? Absurd.

Sock Yarn - Knit Picks Stroll; best sock yarn ever.

Scandinavian Flatpack Furniture Company - IKEA; I love IKEA because I get to put the furniture together myself. I feel very productive after I've put together a bookcase.

Flowers - Daffodils; they're so yellow and sunny. I like the shape of the flower because they don't look like any other flower. I also like tulips, which I associate with daffodils for some reason. Maybe because they both grow from bulbs.

These are a few of my favorite things. I also love making lists. It is one of my favorite things.

#31: Lemon Meringue Pie

2010-02-19T21:36:00.003-05:00

This has apparently been an exercise in futility.

I have greatly angered some god(dess) of baking and/or pie.

I tried to make a lemon meringue pie tonight. I say "I tried" because I did not, in fact, make a lemon meringue pie. I don't know what I made, but it was not a lemon meringue pie because I like lemon meringue pie. Whatever it is that I have made is not in fact edible.

I used a store bought pie crust, which burned.

I made a batch of lemon curd with a recipe from BakeWise. I could not get it to set up. I don't know if the double boiler wasn't hot enough or if I should have melted the butter beforehand, but the custard would not set. It was a liquid.

It was far too sour. Even combined with the extremely sweet meringue, it was face-suckering and just plain nasty. I don't know what happened there either. The recipe called for 4 lemons and 2 cups of sugar, which I used. They were very large lemons; maybe there was too much lemon. I have no idea.

The meringue came out fine. It was fluffy and sweet and everything meringue-wise was perfect.

However, once I put everything together and toasted the meringue, it turned into a mass of inedible waste. It was a waste of time, it was a waste of perfectly good food (and therefore a waste of my money), and now my kitchen is full of extremely sticky dishes.

It is highly labor-intensive. I had so many different pots and bowls of stuff going at the same time that all had to be stirred constantly that even with Alex and Jordanna helping me, I had no idea where I was in the recipe. I have no intention of making lemon meringue pie ever again.

I mixed the lemon liquid poured out of the pie with what was left of the meringue and have it in the freezer. I threw away what was left of the crust and toasted meringue. It was an abomination.

New Year's Resolutions

2010-02-05T17:59:00.006-05:00

Every year, I set the same three New Year's resolutions:

1) Do ten of the things off of my bucket list. [Usually, I get around to six or seven; I've never done ten in one year.]

2) Read greater than or equal to 26 books. [I used to do this nearly every year, but haven't since I took up knitting.]

3) Find something to make myself more of a dork/geek/nerd. [Every year, I succeed.]

Really, I don't even have to try to make myself geekier. It just happens.

So far this year, I have acquired two new geeky behaviors for my repertoire.

In January, I started reading the Percy Jackson series. I almost didn't want to. I wanted to say, "Ugh. This looks stupid." But my roommate Jordanna bought the first one and started reading it out loud to me.

I was excited because no one had read to me in ages, but it also effectively got me into the series and now I have to finish the first book. I want to know what happens.

I don't think that it will rise to the caliber of Harry Potter, but I'm willing to give it the opportunity.

Just recently, this month, I have discovered wizard rock. Yes. That is what I said: wizard rock.

There is a band called Ministry of Magic. All of their songs are about Harry Potter. There are many other bands like this, but I don't know them.

I really like Ministry of Magic. I might have to buy their album(s).

Even more recently, I was sitting on my couch, thinking about how I could connect Harry Potter to Star Trek: 2009 using six degrees of separation. I thought of two different ways to do so. Before I knew what had happened, there was a chart on my wall displaying the connections between different movies and actors, using arrows and different colored pencils. I stood there for at least half an hour adding as many movies and actors as I could think. They are all connected somehow; I could waste the rest of my semester on this.

I could probably set a new month's resolution to make myself more of a geek every month for the rest of my life and never run out of new things to do to force myself deeper and deeper into the dork forest.

Occasionally, I worry about what will happen to me when I am so deep in the woods that I can't possibly find my way back out. Then I remember that I'm already that deep in the woods and I might as well make the best of it and explore. There don't appear to be ravenous beasts. (Except for the occasional R.O.U.S., but they are fairly slow moving.)

Fortune favors the brave and what have you. Might as well make the journey one of epic proportions.

#21: Multi Tiered Cake & #57: Ganache

2010-01-30T12:20:00.004-05:00

Yesterday afternoon, I made a Boston Cream Pie for our movie night and it came out splendidly. I know that it's called "pie", but it is not in fact a pie. It is a cake. It's only called that to confuse foreigners and small children.

I got the recipe out of Bakewise, the new cookbook I got for Christmas. It is a fabulous cookbook that explains the chemistry behind successful baking. Even though I realized halfway through mixing the batter that I had put in too much oil, I was able to use the cake formula on the previous page to compensate for my mistake.

I'm also quite surprised that I was able to cut the cake into equal-ish layers. I'm not usually very good at eyeballing things.

I made the ganache from scratch using a recipe from the same cookbook, but I used Jell-O Brand pudding for the filling. Honestly, ganache is not hard to make. It's basically measure, heat, stir.

I think that I could have used more of the pudding. I was afraid that if I used it all, the filling would squish out of the side while I was trying to cut the cake and I made Alex eat the "extra" pudding. I thought that the cake was a bit dry and could have used the extra pudding. I will keep this in mind the next time I make this cake.

Things Are Looking Up

2010-01-23T23:13:00.005-05:00

Today was the best day ever.

I bought a whole chicken for only 83¢ a pound. I roasted it and it came out perfect. It was falling off the bone. I made chicken salad.

One of my favorite knitwear designers responded to an email that I sent telling her how much I like her books and she said she would autograph them for me if I sent them to her. This pleases me greatly; in addition to knitting, I collect autographed books.

Someone at Ravelry said she would send me a copy of Interweave Knits, Spring 2009. I really want one sweater in that issue. I probably would have broken down eventually and bought it, but now I don't have to.

My roommate Natalie was at the apartment for a bit and we got to catch up.

Jordanna and Alex came back to school today.

I made Rice Krispie treats.

I'm done with my grad school applications.

I have a job this semester.

Things are looking up.

I'm Warding Off a Break-Down

2010-01-09T16:54:00.003-05:00

I'm almost finished with my graduate school applications. I keep asking my friends who've already applied and gotten into grad school to let me see their writing samples, their curriculum vitae, their statements of purpose so that I know what mine should look like. And, unfortunately, everyone else seems to be far more impressive than I am.

Which leads to me having a nervous breakdown approximately once an hour on the hour.

I know I just did this, but here's another list of things that make me happy. Because more often than not, I need reminding.

1. chopsticks

2. Ferris Bueller's Day Off

3. Merino wool (oh my god, I love wool; for those who are allergic, my heart can only bleed)

4. brightly colored kitchenwares

5. Crayola

6. Marvel comics

7. daffodils

8. watching it snow

9. watching movies with my friends

10. wearing hand knit socks

11. Monty Python

12. giving my pets people names

13. peaches

14. Bundt cakes

15. Mr. Potato Heads

16. baking from scratch

17. watching cartoons

18. old furniture

19. leather-bound books

20. the True Blue line at Bath & Body Works

21. museums

22. eggs benedict

23. Saint Michael's Playhouse

24. the Beatles

25. blankets that fold into pillows

26. baby pictures

27. kvas

28. barbeque potato chips

29. poutine

30. making lists

31. anything reminiscent of Victorian England or the American 1950s

32. Yankee Candles

33. Leif Erikson Day

34. Swedish fish

35. Girl Scout cookies

36. ringtones that actually sound like a ringing phone

37. wristwatches

38. pocket watches

(okay, so watches in general. Everyone uses their cell phones to tell the time now. I like the throwback.)

39. record players

40. mix tapes

41. old school Nintendo (our NES still works; we have Balloon Fight)

42. snowshoes

43. outdoor concerts

44. things I used to like when I was little (sometimes, I'll see a TV show I loved when I was small, or I find a toy I used to like that I was sure my mother had thrown out, and it's awesome)

45. ice cream trucks

46. folding hand fans

47. French sayings that English speakers use for some reason (like "C'est la vie", "Je ne sais quoi" and "Que sera sera")

48. fish & chips

49. IKEA (they are my favorite Scandinavian flat-pack furniture company)

50. bicentennial quarters

51. mollusks

52. being truly in the mood to do the housecleaning

53. hors d'oeuvres

54. inside jokes (but only if I'm in on them)

55. snuggling in the blankets right after they come out of the dryer

56. warm Rueben sandwiches

57. metal lunch boxes

58. covered bridges

59. "Damn it! I'm a doctor, not a [fill in some other profession]!"

60. giving gifts that people love

61. a good reason to get dressed up

62. when my favorite brand is on sale

63. "Love Shack" by the B-52s

64. roll-top desks

65. when a helicopter flies by

66. running a category while watching Jeopardy!

67. unlimited texting

68. lighting candles when the power goes out

That's the end of the list. There may be another. There are plenty of other things that make me happy, but they didn't make the list. Ha ha, ha ha.

The Golden Platypus Awards

2009-12-31T21:26:00.005-05:00

Hear ye! Hear ye!

I've decided to give out awards on my blog. It makes me feel powerful and important.

My brother and sister and I have come up with categories and assigned winners thereto.

A few post facto awards will be given out, since this is the first year that the Golden Platypus Awards exist.

The Golden Platypus Awards are called such because awards are often golden and I am a fan of the platypus.

If I could be any non-primate mammal, I would like to be a platypus. The platypus is the most confusing mammal in the world and I would like to be the most confusing something. The platypus: it looks like a cross between a beaver and a duck, it's a mammal but it lays eggs, it gives milk but doesn't have nipples so that the milk just leaks out of it's skin (which is the most disgusting thing I can think of right now), and it's poisonous. Why the hell not? I want to be a semi-aquatic mammal of justice.

So here they are - the Golden Platypus Awards:

Ingenious Design - Toyota's Prius 3 for it's solar powered cooling system

Sunshine that would normally make the car unbearably hot actually cools it down. Ha ha! The tables have turned! Ingenious.

Media Tip-Off - Markell Watson for Phineas & Ferb

Thank you, Markell, for introducing us to Phineas & Ferb. The three of us love it. And I have Jordanna watching is, too. Against her will.

Why Didn't We Think of This Sooner? - Old El Paso for Stand 'n' Stuff taco shells

I mean really. Hard shell tacos that don't fall over and lose all of their stuffing when they're put on a plate. Why didn't we think of this sooner?

Hottest Nerd - Zachary Quinto for his role as Spock in Star Trek

I don't know if Zachary himself is a nerd, but he's Spock. And he's hot. So he gets the award.

Badass of the Year -

Well, we really couldn't come to a decision on this one. So there will be three awards for this year: the Gold, Silver, and Bronze Platypus Awards in this category.

The Golden Platypus for Badass of the Year goes to Rain for his role as Raizo in Ninja Assassin

The Silver Platypus will go to Hugh Jackman for his title role in X-Men Origins: Wolverine

And the Bronze Platypus goes to Channing Tatum for his role as Captain Duke Hauser in G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

We also have a few ex post facto awards to give out.

In the category of Media Tip-Off, Alex 'Piggy' Poznanski for introducing us to the Potter Puppet Pals.

In the category of Why Didn't We Think of This Sooner?, awards go to the upside down ketchup bottle and wheels on a suitcase. Honestly, I can never believe that we put a man on the moon before we put wheels on a suitcase. What's up with that?

Anyone who would like to claim their award certificates, please email me and I will get a lovely certificate to you.

Happy New Year, kids!

Things That Make Me Happy

2009-12-08T21:47:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I need to be reminded.

Little things make me happy.

Here are a few (42 to be exact):

thunderstorms
fresh powder on the mountain
letting the dog sleep in my bed
caramel macchiato
fan fiction
the Cyrillic alphabet
self-striping sock yarn
watching the kittens chase their tails
notebooks full of recipes
semantics
baby showers
playing in the yard during a sudden downpour
tater tots
movies based on 19th century novels
watching my Betta fish attack his fish food
retroflexes
convertible mittens
Dungeons & Dragons
a box of See’s Nuts & Chews
good use of violin in pop music
rotary phones
hot water bottles
Play-It-Again Sports
running in the rain
Harry Potter
macadamia nuts
argyle
sweater vests
hardwood floors
stained glass windows
running the light board during a play
fresh fruit
spanakopita
Jet Blue
Yiddish
knitting
fresnels
Putinka
the Stanley Cup
Stop & Shop
Ben & Jerry's ice cream
having Stewart's instead of 7-11 at home

Dugong

2009-11-28T20:23:00.003-05:00

This hot water bottle cozy is meant to look like a mermaid's tail. The body of the cozy is knit in the round, but the fins are knit back and forth.

I call it dugong, after the species of manatees that live in the Eastern Hemisphere. Manatees were the origin of the myths about sirens.

This project took me about three weeks to make. It was knit with sock yarn. While knitting it, the body is going to look too long and too narrow to accommodate a 2 quart hot water bottle, but it does. Actually, putting it over the water bottle opens up the cable panel and makes it more pronounced.

Because it is knit out of thin yarn, this particular cozy might not be as effective a heat barrier as a cozy knit out of thicker yarn. But it is much cuter. And it's fuzzy.

The pattern is available for sale on my Ravelry.

It's Not Christmas Yet!

2009-11-23T19:12:00.002-05:00

I think that I tend to be pretty laid back, but some things make me irrationally irritated. I'm not really full-blown angry, just moderately agitated.

For instance, It's Not Christmas Yet!!

Every time I go into a store, I have to walk past Christmas displays. There are already commercials for Christmas sales airing; they're been playing since Halloween. Lowe's is telling me to come buy a Christmas tree. To be perfectly honest, are you f-ing kidding me?

Christmas lasts from the end of the Macy's Day Parade until Little Christmas on January 6th. I do not want Christmas music, Christmas displays, Christmas trees, or any of the other Christmas related paraphernalia sneaking into my life before Thanksgiving and I don't want to see Christmas lights and Christmas trees still up after January 6th.

I am not anti-Christmas. I get way into it. But it's not Christmas yet. I don't hide eggs in August. I don't carve Jack-O-Lanterns in March. I don't want people wishing me a Merry Christmas in November.

Once the Macy's Day Parade is over, it is officially Christmas. Because the last person to appear in the Macy's Day Parade is Santa Claus.

Postcards I'm Not Going to Send

2009-11-15T13:28:00.006-05:00

I'm not actually going to send postcards to these people. But if they happen upon them, so be it.

Dear people who live in 205 [the people who live upstairs from us],

What are you doing up there?

There are only three things that you could possibly be doing that would make those noises: 1) You’re bowling with anvils; 2) You’re sweeping the floor with your person; or, 3) You’re clomping around in some sort of clog-dancing idiot ritual. Whatever it is, stop.

Also, turn down your stereo. I do not want the congealed vomit you think is music polluting my airspace any more.

The next time you start banging on the drum that I know you have in your living room, or you open and close all of your dresser drawers in rapid succession at three o’clock in the morning, I will go out and buy a rocket propelled grenade launcher for the specific purpose of shooting several warning shots through my ceiling into your room. That way, whenever you start to think that you should do something that will be loud, rude, and disruptive to me, you will think, “I better not. Them bitches downstairs is crazy.” And you will not do whatever is was that you were going to do.

Sincerely,

105

Dear Rivers Cuomo [the lead singer from my favorite band],

Thank you so much for shaving your mustache. Seriously, you looked like Ron Jeremy. You’re better off without it.

Love,

Jessica

Dear Belinda [my brother’s new girlfriend],

So, I heard that you went to see my parents last weekend. You have now seen them twice since the beginning of the school year, which is two more times than I have seen them.

My mom said you slept in my room. Sorry that the place looks like a warehouse.

Sincerely,

Jessica

PS - If you break my brother’s heart, I will break your kneecaps. Just kidding. But not really.

Dear Starbucks,

I want there to be a size larger than a Venti. I know for a fact that there is a size smaller than a tall. It is called a short. What I do not understand is why anyone would want less coffee.

You could have a twenty-four ounce cup and call it the Venti-Quattro or something. It could be a VQ. And I would buy it. Ninety percent of the time, when I go into a Starbucks, I get a Venti. If there were a VQ, I would get it ninety percent of the time.

Seriously, I have a great idea. And I will pay you for using it. You have a win-win situation on your hands.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Dear SUNY Stony Brook,

Is there a reason why you are going out of your way to make my life harder?

I know you have all of those inconvenience consultants on staff, but seriously. Why is the post office closed on Tuesday and Thursday? Why do I have to go to three separate offices in two different buildings in order to late-add a class? And why was I trapped in the rain the other day because the door to the library that I normally go in was inexplicably locked?

Was that really necessary?

Love,

Jessica

Dear HBO,

I want the next season of True Blood to start. I miss Eric.

Love,

Jessica

#19: Cream Puffs

2009-11-13T18:32:00.003-05:00

For a long time, I have been under the impression that cream puffs are hard to make.

Firstly because the puffy pastry is so light and fluffy. To bake such a pastry must surely be a delicate procedure requiring more expertise than I have.

Secondly because those delicate pastries need to be handled, cut open, and filled with pudding without being destroyed.

Thirdly because they're so delicious and I often believe that the level of deliciousness of a dish is in direct correlation with how hard it is to prepare correctly.

However, upon actually looking at recipes to make cream puffs, I found that I had been insulting my own cooking abilities (and probably my own intelligence) by thinking I couldn't make them. There was little more to it than being able to measure, mix, and set a kitchen timer.

The hardest part was cutting the puffs in half without getting crumbs everywhere. I started with a butter knife and realized that something sharper would be better. Hello Cutco! That made it much easier.

I used French Vanilla flavored pudding instead of regular vanilla. It was Jell-O brand and very good.

There was about a cup of filling left over, which my roommate Julia was willing to finish off for me.

They're quite good, actually.

I Have No Idea What We're Yelling About

2009-11-02T19:39:00.005-05:00

In my apartment, we have one roommate Jordanna who screams about everything and she has the rest of us doing it, too.

Actually, I think that I've been doing this internally for over a decade. (As well as singing things at random, which Jordanna also does. I find it necessary to sing my exit numbers when I'm driving by myself.)

No matter what is happening, we are shouting in frustration about anything and everything.

Whether we are yelling at a female movie character for going out with a huge jerk, or yelling at the male movie character for being a huge jerk, or because the two male movie characters aren't having enough sex, or screaming because there are ants in the apartment, or because we have homework to do, or we were surprised by a leaf blowing past the window, or exclaiming how sexy Alexander Skarsgard is (I mean, come on, look at him!), we make the exact same noise.

I'm going to have to make a podcast in order to explain the full extent and hilarity of this situation. One cannot appreciate the delicate intrigues of such a thing without actually hearing us yelling.

Honestly, I have no idea what we're yelling about.

#28: Infused Olive Oil & #78: Loaf of Bread

2009-10-25T14:15:00.002-04:00

In the past two weeks, I have attempted two of the items on the Cook's 100.

About ten days ago, I filled up a bottle of olive oil with basil and put it in my fridge to... do whatever it is that herbs do to olive oil.

Today, I baked bread from a recipe my dad sent me. I had planned on making two loafs of bread and having them last me for the next two weeks. Then I remembered that I can eat an entire loaf of bread in one sitting. It came out of the oven less than an hour ago and it's half gone.

Whatever, yo.

I Like Ice Cream

2009-10-23T14:38:00.003-04:00

It's true. My former roommate, Winnie, used to rage on me for eating ice cream in the winter. I will eat ice cream in any season. My sister and I will eat ice cream in front of the fireplace or in the hot tub in the dead of winter. I do not see a problem with this.

When I buy my beloved Chunky Monkey or Cherry Garcia, there is no reason to use a bowl. I'm going to finish the pint in no more than two sittings. But my hands get so cold. I could wear mittens, but that seemed silly.

So, ta-da! A pint of ice cream cozy. It is knit in the round from the bottom up. The main body of the cozy is in 2 by 2 rib for a little extra grib, with two rows of seed stitch at the top just because.

The pattern was meant to fit a pint of Ben & Jerry's (because that's usually what I buy). Other brands' pints might be slightly different shapes.

The pattern is available for free download at Ravelry.

My market for this pattern is the intersection of the sets {people who have hands} and {people who like ice cream}.

By the Might of Odin!!

2009-10-15T23:49:00.002-04:00

I have put up my first "for sale" pattern at Ravelry. It is very exciting.

I knit Jordanna a beard.

I'm the one wearing it in the photo, but rest assured, it is Jordanna's beard.

Jordanna has always wanted a beard. All of her male relatives have luxurious beards, but she can't have one because she's a girl.

I think that I'm going to knit a bunch of them and sell them from a cart, like in The Life of Brian.

The Knitting Linguist Cooks

2009-10-11T20:16:00.005-04:00

I do cook. Mostly, I bake. In fact, among my friends, I am known for my baking. It is both frequent and from scratch.

I have decided to follow the example of my friend Lauri, who blogs as The Indecisive Eater, by working my way through the Cook's 100, excepting numbers 17, 34, and 36. For me, it will be the Cook's 97.

I'm excluding #17 mostly because #17 is Jello-O mold salad and I have no desire to make or eat anything that is comprised mostly of Jell-O. I find Jell-O disturbing.

And I don't care if I ever make or eat Turducken. Unnecessary, in my mind.

And I don't want to cook a whole fish. This is for the same reason that I don't like boiling lobsters. I feel awkward. It's watching me eat it.

In other news, I have a few new knitting designs that are in the "I'll post them when I get around to it" phase of designing. Really, I need to find a way to get photos from my camera onto my computer so that everyone can see the gloriousness that I have knit.

Anyway, here is my current version of The Cook's 100:

1. Crown roast

2. Baked clams

3. Croissants

4. Stir fry

5. Curry

6. Hand cut french fries

7. Pasties

8. Something in a tagine

9. Beer/Mead/Wine

10. Double crust pie

11. Jam/Canning

12. Rack of lamb

13. Pickles

14. Beef wellington

15. Ricotta cheese

16. Baked Alaska

17. Jello Mold Salad

18. Homemade Pasta

19. Cream Puffs

20. Gnocchi

21. Multi Tiered cake

22. Something flambéed

23. Corned Beef, that you pickled

24. Fish cooked on wood planks

25. Bagels

26. Baklava

27. Sausage

28. Infused olive oil

29. Ice cream

30. Fried chicken

31. Lemon Meringue Pie

32. Pizza dough/Pizza

33. Sushi rolls

34. Turducken

35. Lasagna

36. A whole fish

37. Pudding

38. Cannoli, shells and filling

39. Infused vodka

40. Hummus

41. Fried Calamari

42. Fresh squeezed lemonade

43. Buttermilk Ranch Dressing

44. Biscuits and gravy

45. Cornish hen

46. Something in a crock pot/ slow cooker

47. Stuffed peppers

48. Risotto

49. Roasted vegetable/potatoes with white truffle oil

50. Clam Bake

51. Osso Buco

52. A Vegetarian dish

53. Guacamole & Salsa

54. Mayonnaise

55. Vegan cake

56. Chili

57. Ganache

58. Poached pears

59. Baked Brie/ Brie en croute

60. Flan

61. Pineapple upside down cake

62. Pita bread

63. Deviled eggs

64. Chocolate truffles

65. Pulled pork

66. Hot sauce

67. Filet mignon

68. Terrine

69. Sorbet

70. Turkey stuffed with something other than traditional stuffing

71. Miso Salmon

72. Dosa

73. Mousse

74. Quiche

75. Strawberry Shortcake

76. Baked macaroni and cheese

77. Eggs Benedict

78. Loaf of bread

79. Cheese ball

80. Smoked ribs

81. Flourless cake

82. Soup stock (chicken, beef, vegetable, ect)

83. Deep fried turkey

84. Dry rubbed meat

85. Chicken Kiev

86. Kombucha Tea

87. Stuffed Tenderloin

88. Crepes

89. Souffle

90. Fish en Papillot

91. Baked Ham

92. Waffles

93. Corned beef hash

94. Pot-stickers

95. Cheesecake

96. Whole roasted garlic

97. Ceviche

98. Artichokes

99. Fondue

100. A copy cat recipe (Something that is made commercial or in a restaurant, find the copy cat recipe on line, is it just as good?)

Retroflexes

2009-09-06T20:47:00.003-04:00

Retroflexes are my favorite sounds in the entire International Phonetic Alphabet (IPA).

They are consonants that are pronounced by curling the tongue backward; hence the name: "retro" = "backward", "flex" = "flex".

In English, the letter "r" is usually a retroflex. Unless the speaker is extremely Scottish and rolls his or her "r"s, native English speakers pronounce "r" as a retroflex approximant.

There is no closure in the mouth for the retroflex "r". For the other retroflexes, the bottom of the tongue touches the roof of the mouth in order to make the sound.

About 20 percent of the world's languages contain retroflexes. Including Hindi and Swedish, two of my favorite languages to listen to obliviously. I just think that they sound cool. And retroflexes are one of the reasons why.

The easiest retroflexes to produce without hearing them first are "d" and "t". Just curl the tongue backward, touch the roof of the mouth with the bottom of the tongue, and try to say "d" or "t". Retroflexes. In IPA, they're represented as "ʠ" and "ʈ", respectively.

There are lots of others that are used in different languages.

I have been trying for ages to convince non-linguists that retroflexes are cool. I've been trying to convince some of my fellow linguists that retroflexes are cool. I think that retroflex is the most delicious place of articulation. No one believes me.

So I invented a cookie and I call them Retroflexes. Now everyone will have to agree with me that Retroflexes are delicious.

Retroflexes

Ingredients:

1/2 cup butter, room temperature

1/3 cup white granulated sugar

1/3 cup brown sugar

1 egg

1 tbsp milk

1/2 tsp vanilla

1 cup all-purpose flour

1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1 cup peanut butter chips

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Beat butter until it is creamy. Add sugars. Beat until they are fluffy.

Add egg, milk, and vanilla. Beat well.

Stir in flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt. Mix well.

Stir in peanut butter chips.

Drop tablespoon-sized dollops onto a greased cookie sheet, placing dough dollops about 1 inch apart.

Bake for 10-12 minutes.

Makes about 18 cookies.

I invented this recipe today after letting it gestate in my brain for a few months. I think that a combination of peanut butter and toffee chips would be even better. I will try that next time I make them.

Before the End of the Summer

2009-08-25T19:54:00.006-04:00

Nothing particularly substantial has happened since I got home from Russia, but a few almost important smaller things have happened.

7 Fun Things That I've Done Since I Got Back From Russia

1. I got a free thong at Victoria's Secret yesterday. I had one of those free panty coupons that come in the mail and I decided that if I was going to get supremely uncomfortable underwear, they should be free. All I had to do was bring in the coupon and then wrestle an invisible bear to get my free pair of panties.

2. I took the GREs. I think that I could have done better, but whatever.

3. We got a new kitten. We had a kitten named Chloe and we thought she needed a friend. So we went to the animal shelter and found another girl kitten that seemed like she was about the same age. We named her Phoebe. She and Chloe chase each other around the house and wrestle. Phoebe has an interesting fighting style. She lies on her back and kicks Chloe in the face.

Phoebe had a brother at the shelter with her. I wanted to take him home with us, too. But my mother said no; my brother would call her a cat lady if she had three cats. I still think we should have gotten him. And we could have named him Giles.

4. I got a super cool new phone. I got a Samsung Alias 2. I have no idea what my new phone number is. But my phone flips open two different ways. It flips open vertically like a normal phone and it also flips open horizontally so that it has a QWERTY keyboard for texting.

5. I've decided to give out annual awards on my blog. I'm going to call them the Golden Platypus Awards. So far, categories include Badass of the Year, Hottest Nerd, Ingenious Design, Why Didn't We Think of This Sooner?, and Fake Product We Wish Was Real.

6. I've written four more knitting patterns since I've been home. I haven't knit them yet, but I have yarn for a few of them. Maybe I don't need to buy one of those VW Buses that's part camper and drive around Europe living in my van to become a famous knitwear designer. But I might do that anyway.

7. Two days after I got back from Russia, I went out to lunch with my parents and sister. As we were leaving the restaurant, I overheard some people in the parking lot having a conversation. My ears immediately pricked up like, "What's that? English?" I was really excited for a second because there were other English speakers and then I remembered that I was back in America.

Today, I renewed my driver's license, I got my oil changed, and started to pack my clothes. We're driving to Albany on Thursday to bring my brother to school. I will help move him in, spend the night at my grandparents' house, drive to Long Island on Friday, and move myself in there. Hurrah.

I have a single.

A new knitting pattern and maybe some more linguistics will be up by the end of September.

P.S. - The new season of Eureka rocks, as predicted.

Lt. Dan - Fish Bowl Cozy

2009-08-06T08:06:00.003-04:00

And again I say, Huzzah!

Here is another fabulous creation from the mind of yours truly, the Knitting Linguist.

My dad likes to keep the house very cold in the winter. When I venture home from school, my Betta fish, Lt. Dan, does not enjoy the ride home and is then plunged into an environs where it is impossible for me to keep his bowl at an appropriate temperature.

At least twice a day, I'll take a cup full of water out of Dan's bowl, heat it up in the microwave, and then add it back to the bowl by spoonfuls. This does not keep the bowl warm for very long. More like twenty minutes.

I decided that a fish bowl cozy might help to keep the warm in the water when I heat it up. Wool is very insulatory.

I picked a bright red that reminded me of my beloved fish. I believe that this color has been discontinued, but the yarn has not.

Lt. Dan's bowl is 22" around at its widest point (near the bottom), 17" around at the top brim, and stands about 6 and 1/2" tall. I designed this cozy to fit that particular fish bowl. It may or may not transfer well to others.

I knit this up over the course of two days. If I were to do it again, I would knit the last two or three rows in seed stitch to keep the top edge from rolling.

Enjoy.

Lt. Dan - Fish Bowl Cozy

Materials

-Swish Superwash DK [100% Superwash Merino wool; 123 yds per 50 g skein]; color: Maple Leaf; 1 skein

-16” size 5 circular needle

-24” size 5 circular needle

-Stitch marker

-Yarn needle

Gauge

24 sts/34 rows = 4 inches in stockinette stitch

Directions

CO 72, using 16” needle. Join for working in the round, being careful not to twist stitches. Place a marker to indicate the beginning of the round.

Knit 6 rows in *K2 P2*.

Begin increasing

Row 1 & all odd rows: K all

Row 2: *K5 Kf&b* 84 sts

Row 4: *K6 Kf&b* 96 sts

Row 6: *K7 Kf&b* 108 sts

Row 8: *K8 Kf&b* 120 sts

Row 10: *K9 Kf&b* 132 sts

Row 12: *K43 Kf&b* 135 sts

Knit 4 rows.

Begin decreasing

Row 1: K1, ssk, K to last 3 sts, K2tog, K1

Row 2: K all

Repeat these two rows until 105 sts remain, ending with Row 1.

BO all stitches, using this method: K2, K2tog tbl, *K1, K2tog tbl* until only one stitch remains. Cut yarn and draw through last stitch.

Weave in ends.

Place over fish bowl.

If I Ever Want to be a Prolific Knitwear Designer...

2009-08-04T18:44:00.003-04:00

I will have to move to Russia.

I was in Russia for a month. While I was there, I wrote five different knitting patterns. I did not knit them, but now I have them for the knitting.

I also came up with about five more ideas that I put on my list of projects to design.

If I ever want to be a professional knitwear designer, I need to live somewhere that has limited internet and where I can't understand anything that's on TV. I get so much more done.

Granted, one of the patterns was written during my psycholinguistics class when I actually had something else to be doing. But it popped into my brain. What else was I supposed to do?

On the flip side, I think that maybe the trip to Russia has turned on my designing mojo as I have also written out two patterns and come up with an idea for another one since I've gotten back to America.

I'm going to milk this for as long as possible and hopefully someone will pay me for one or more of my creations. Some of them will end up free on the blog. Look forward to it.

In other news:

Yesterday, I was leaving a restaurant when I heard two people having a conversation in English. My ears perked up and I got excited for a second because there were other English speakers. Then I remembered that I was back in the United States.

Back in the USSR

2009-07-20T10:30:00.004-04:00

The title of this post is inaccurate in two ways. Firstly, I am in Russia. The space which I am currently occupying was once a portion of the USSR, but it is not any longer. Secondly, for me to be back in the USSR, I would have to have been here before, which I have not. However, I like the title.

Here are my cheers and jeers about my trip so far.

Aside from not knowing the language particularly well and living in what would be considered inhabitable conditions in America, I have three culture shock type complaints so far.

1) There is no sense of urgency about anything here. My ceiling in my dorm was raining on me. Literally raining on me. There was water gushing out of the ceiling in our toilet and the downpour was making its way across the kitchen. This incident occurred around midnight on a Friday. When my roommate and I told the woman in charge that our dorm was flooding, she gave us an irritated look and told us someone would come to fix it on Monday morning. The water was turned off quickly once we went into hysterics, but still.

It also took us two hours to check 17 people into a hotel on Friday.

No sense of urgency about anything.

2) The ATMs hate people. No one wants big bills. Cashiers do not like to make change. If something costs 30 rubles and the customer gives the cashier a 500 ruble note, the cashier gets really pissy and might not accept it. However, if I go to an ATM and get 4000 rubles, it will all be in 1000 ruble notes that no one wants. Ever.

3) They have really weird flavors of chips here. There are plain, and sour cream & onion, and cheese, which are pretty normal by American standards. But they also have shish kebab, and crab, and red caviar, and bacon. I bought a bag of shish kebab flavored chips because I wanted them to be like barbeque. They were not like barbeque. They were totally disgusting.

Other than these three things, Russia (and, more specifically, Saint Petersburg) are the shiz night.

Except when we were in Moscow, I have not experienced a day above maybe 75 degrees since we've been here. I find this to be preferential in the extreme. It is the middle of July and I am wearing wool socks. I occasionally have to wear a coat. It is delightful. If my surroundings never got above 75 degrees, I would be extremely happy.

Food is mad cheap. Although the portions are very small, you can buy a lot of them for $5. A friend of mine bought almost a week's worth of groceries for just over 500 rubles, which is less than $20.

I have a new favorite restaurant. I am in love with Teremok, which is a Russian fast food place that serves blinis. They are like crepes and Teremok will put just about anything in them.

My second favorite Russian fast food restaurant is called Kroshka Kartoshka. It means baked potato and they serve baked potatoes with a variety of toppings. We went to one in Moscow; I have yet to find one in Saint Petersburg.

My new favorite ice cream treat is called MaxiBon. On one end, it's like an ice cream bar minus the stick; the other end is an ice cream sandwich. They come in a few different flavors and are the most brilliant ice cream innovation since Phish Food. They are made by Nestle. When I get back to the United States, I am going to start a letter writing campaign to get Nestle to sell them in the US.

Of the 30 people in my group of American compatriots here with me in Saint Pete's, all of them would buy MaxiBon in the States. Given this, I would assume that of the 306,947,000 people in America, all of them would buy MaxiBon.

I have ridden the bus at least 12 times without paying for it. In Saint Petersburg, instead of paying the driver when getting on the bus, passengers get on and then a woman comes around and collects their fares. On no less than a dozen occasions, I have gotten on the bus and gone unnoticed by the fare-taking woman. It is only 18 rubles to ride the bus (about 60 cents) but I have saved about $7 by being inconspicuous.

I can walk to streets alone at 11 o'clock at night because it's still light out. And there are a ton of other people out at that hour as well.

Saint Petersburg is an extremely beautiful city. There are tons of historical landmarks and museums. I have not had the opportunity to do a lot of sight-seeing as of yet since I've been in school. But next week, we will have our Russian language classes in the mornings, but nothing in the afternoons. I think that I will have plenty of time to see the sights then.

Aside from the location, I am having an immensely good time with the majority of the people in my group. Some of them I want to defenestrate, but others will hopefully still be my friends in America, where they will not be forced to communicate with be due to the limited number of English speakers.

Fan Fiction: Or, Keep Your Ravings to Yourself

2009-06-27T23:14:00.008-04:00

While I am willing to admit that I can get rampantly out of control in my fandom, and my brother and I often say that movies would be better if we were in them, I will never write fan fiction.

I am not above reading fan fiction. In fact, did I not read and/or search for fan fiction as much as I do, there would be no post in this location.

I have two main problems with fan fiction. One is the atrocious grammar, spelling, and lack of style. I do not expect this stuff to be Dickens or Yeats, but it would be nice if the authors used spell check.

The summer that Harry Potter 7 came out, after my sister and I had finished it, we went through a metric ton of Harry Potter fan fiction looking for more. We found a metric ton of fan fiction, but only a very few ounces of good Harry Potter fan fiction. Most of it was written by people who couldn't possibly have read all seven Harry Potter books because, judging by the way they write, they are illiterate.

Again, not looking for the epitome of literary excellence. I have gotten very lax about what I consider grammatical, but when the sentences are in structures that I neither recognize nor understand, the language ceases to be English. It is merely English-esque.

My other problem with fan fiction is that I can almost never find anything that isn't pornographic. I've been on a Eureka fanfic kick lately, and almost everything I find is slash fiction. I do not want to read slash fiction. I would prefer if it wasn't slash fiction.

I believe that these are serious problems plaguing the fan fiction reading community. Someone ought to be writing better fan fiction for me to read.

I imagine alternate timelines for television programs, make up stories about what might have happened if I were a character, come up with my own ideas of how to fill in the blanks that never get filled in canon; however, unlike those who write and publish horrendous fan fiction, I keep my raving lunacy to myself and far, far away from the internet.

I've Been Watching A Lot of TV

2009-06-23T21:22:00.005-04:00

I have done very little this summer other than watching TV and movies. I had my wisdom teeth out last month and I'm leaving for Russia for a month in a little less than two weeks, but other than that, pretty much nothing.

So...

X-Men

We went to see Wolverine on my brother's birthday. I thought that it was awesome. In some of the comics, the claws were added at the same time as the adamantium skeleton, but I liked it better as part of his mutation.

I cannot cite specific reasons why I found this movie to be awesome, but I did.

I'm going to include X-Men 3 in this post. I know it came out a while ago, but I saw it recently and I want to talk about it now.

I thought that it was weak compared to the two previous X-Men movies (and compared to Wolverine). I don't think there's any other version of X-Men where Scott dies and that kind of pissed me off.

However, there was one good scene where Jean Grey and Wolverine are making out and she whips off his belt using telekinesis; this scene thrilled me. If I could have one telekinesis-related power, it would be that. It brings a whole new meaning to undressing someone with my mind.

On that note...

X-Men Evolution vs. Wolverine & the X-Men

These two cartoon incarnations of the X-Men are on TV all the time. I've been watching both on and off since I got home from school.

While X-Men Evolution falls into the category of mediabilia, reminding me of my carefree youth watching way too much TV, it's kind of terrible. The premise of the show kind of makes me angry. All of the kids who live at the Xavier Institute go to a nearby public school, making the institute totally pointless. The show makes Cyclops and Jean Grey the same age as Rogue and Shadow Cat, but Storm is already an adult.

The only episodes I like of those the feature Nightcrawler as the main character because he's my favorite X-Men.

Wolverine & the X-Men doesn't fall into the comic canon either, but it is way better than Evolution. The Institute is in fact a school. Senator Kelly is in fact Senator Kelly and not the principal of the school. Magneto is portrayed much better than in Evolution; Evolution made him look like he was a bad guy just because he liked being an evil, sadistic psychopath.

I also like the portrayal of Wolverine in Wolverine & the X-Men better than in Evolution. He was kind of a dick in Evolution. He's way cooler in his self-titled show.

Star Trek

It took me forever to get around to seeing Star Trek. We finally saw it on Father's Day. It was amazing and I wish I had gone with Darryl to see it midnight the night it came out so that I could have seen it two or three more times since then.

When it comes out on DVD, I'm going to buy it, watch it, and then say, "That was awesome. I think I'll watch it again right now."

I was moderately irritated when I found out that the plot relied heavily on time travel. Seriously, Voyager has already beaten that dead horse. But the public has been assured that future movies in the franchise will not use time travel at all, so I can forgive them.

All of the characters were fantastic. I wanted to giggle like a crazy person every time one of them used a trademark line from TOS.

Some people have commented on the fact that they don't like emotional Spock. I kind of like him this way. He still has it under wraps and tends toward logic and lack of expression, but allows himself to be both human and vulcan.

Zachary Quinto was excellent as Spock. Although, there was one moment when I think he switched into Sylar. I couldn't help but picture him slicing the top of someone's head off with his telekinesis.

We saw it in 3D. Our 3D glasses looked just like the glasses Mr. Fredricksen wears in the movie.

This movie was incredibly sweet and very funny. It was very touching and I cried.

There were a few things that my sister and I thought were odd to include in a kid's movie, but whatever.

I intend to put it on our Netflix queue when it comes out and force my group to enjoy it.

Spectacular Spiderman

Season 2 just started yesterday.

The series is delightful. I might be saying that because Spiderman is my favorite superhero or I might actually think that.

The show was created by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko, the two guys who made the original Spiderman comics.

The series uses characters from several different stages of Peter Parker's life and has reanalyzed Peter's relationships with several of the characters, but this departure from canon is forgivable considering the fact that the show closely imitates the original comic books series. The series has a nice blend of sticking to canon and new storylines.

Avatar: The Last Airbender

There have been marathons of Avatar on Nickelodeon pretty much every night since I got home from school. Also, we have all three seasons on DVD.

I have watched every single episode, some multiple times and with commentary, and have decided that it is fantastic. I now consider it my second favorite cartoon loosely based on Asian culture (the first being Samurai Jack).

The show is very complex for a kid's show. The characters have lots of different levels and are very sympathetic. The dialog if witty. There are lots of little things in the background that wouldn't get noticed unless the audience is paying really close attention.

I especially love that all of the animals are crosses between two other animals, like saber-toothed moose-lions or gopher-bears.

My only major disappointment is that M. Night Shyamalan is making Avatar into a live action movie. Making movies out of complex serialized stories is almost never a good idea (comic books being the exception). The story gets bastardized and weakened and people think that they can make fan fiction out of it; that's what happened to Harry Potter. I hate to see it happen to Avatar.

Phineas & Ferb

I know that this show is meant for the small children, but my friend Markell got me into it, and he's an enormous football-player with dreadlocks.

The cartoon is cute. They have a pet platypus who happens to be a secret agent. Some of the dialogue is actually witty.

I am not too old to watch and enjoy children's programming.

Eureka

The new season of Eureka doesn't start until the week after I leave for Russia (of course). I'm going to miss the first four episodes, but I have been assured that my mother will DVR them for me (just like my brother better DVR Spectacular Spiderman for me) and I can get back into my TV-watching groove upon my return.

The previews make it look fantastic. Fargo saying, "I'd rather go naked than wear fur," tells me that it's going to be ridiculous as always and gives me great hope that I'll be able to finish my "50 Best Things Fargo Has Ever Said" list by the end of season 4, keeping in mind that the season starting this July is technically season 3.5.

Felicity Conditions and The Princess Bride

2009-05-14T22:38:00.009-04:00

It has come to my attention that my blog, titled The Knitting Linguist, has no linguistics in it.

In order to remedy this inexcusable situation, I am going to explain speech acts, felicity conditions, and how they apply to the plot of the film The Princess Bride.

Speech acts are essentially statements that do things. While other utterances do nothing but, well, utter, something is accomplished by a speech act. For instance, "I christen this ship the Princess Charlotte!" or "I claim this land in the name of Spain." Something real happens when those things are said, whereas a statement like, "John gave Mary flowers" doesn't do anything.

Statements like "John gave Mary flowers" are called constatives and they have truth conditions. Truth conditions are the conditions that need to exist in the real world in order for a statement to be true. For "John gave Mary flowers" to be true, there need to be people called John and Mary and John needs to have given flowers to Mary.

Or: Val(t, [S[NP[N "John"]][VP[V "gave"][NP[N "Mary"]][NP[N "flowers"]]]]) iff gave(John, Mary, flowers).

There are also several categories of utterances that do not have truth conditions. Questions do not have truth-conditions; if someone asks, "What time is it?" there is no universe in which that utterance can be false.

Performatives are another category of utterances with no truth conditions. They do, however, have what J. L. Austin dubbed felicity conditions. There are particular conditions that must be met in order for a speech act to be considered felicitous. If a speech act is not felicitous, it has no effect.

Austin's Felicity Conditions

A - There must be a conventional procedure and the circumstances & participants in the procedure must be correct

B - The procedure must be fulfilled correctly and completely

C - In certain cases, the person must have the correct though, feelings or intentions; if consequential action is required, these actions must be performed

There is a scene in The Princess Bride (my favorite movie of all time for anyone who was wondering) in which Buttercup tells Wesley that she got married. She didn't want to, it just happened so fast. Wesley tells her it never happened, even though an old man said "Man and wife." I can tell you why.

In a wedding ceremony, there is indeed a conventional procedure. The procedure varies from culture to culture, but in our culture, the bride and groom both say "I do" and then some old man says, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

In Buttercup's wedding, there was a procedure being followed, the participants were correct (the bride and groom were both single, neither of them was an identical twin who was there by mistake, the clergyman had the power to pronounce people man and wife), and there weren't really any requisite feelings that needed to be met. Nowhere in the wedding procedure does it say the bride and groom have to like each other.

However, in Humperdinck's haste to end the wedding, they skipped the "I do"s, which is part of the conventional procedure. Therefore, the procedure was not fulfilled correctly or completely and the statement, "Man and wife" wasn't felicitous.

As Wesley tells Buttercup, "You didn't say it. You didn't do it."

That, my friends, is an accidental use of linguistics in pop culture.

The Glock Cozy

2009-05-07T18:09:00.009-04:00

Huzzah, bitches!

This is the first knitting pattern I ever designed.

I said to my friend Michelle, "Michelle, what to you want me to make you for Christmas?"

She said, "How about a cozy for my Glock?"

So I knit her a Glock cozy. Also good as a water pistol cozy.

After the arduous process of test knitting, revising, and procrastinating, here it is.

Special thanks to Lauri Spitz for test knitting.

The Glock Cozy.

Materials

-Patons Classic Wool [100% new wool; 223yd/204m per 100g skein]; color: Too Teal; 1 skein (Note: Several water pistol cozies can be made out of a single skein of yarn)

-size 7 DPNs

-Stitch marker

-Yarn needle

-Stitch holder

-Row counter

Gauge

20 sts/30 rows = 4 inches in stockinette stitch

Size

At smallest point, 2 inches in diameter. At widest point, just less than 8 inches in diameter.

Changing gauge will change size.

Directions

CO 10. Divide stitches between 2 double-pointed needles and join for working in the round, being careful not to twist stitches. Place a marker to indicate the beginning of the round.

Rounds 1-5: K all.

Round 6: K1, M1, K5, M1, K to end of round.

Round 7-9: K all

Repeat rounds 6-9 three more times; a total of 18 stitches. You will have completed 21 rounds.

Round 22: K all.

Round 23: K1, M1, K5, M1, K to end of round.

Round 24: K all.

Repeat rounds 23 & 24 one more time; 22 stitches.

Round 27: *K1, M1, K to last stitch on the needle, M1, K1* Repeat for the second needle.

Round 28: K all.

Repeat rounds 27 & 28 three more times; 38 stitches. You will now have completed 34 rounds.

Round 35: K6, BO2, K to the end of the round. Turn work and begin working back and forth.

Row 1: P all.

Row 2: K1, ssk, K to last 3 sts, K2tog, K1.

Row 3: P1, ssp, P to last 3 sts, P2tog, P1.

Repeat rows 2 & 3 two more times; 20 stitches remain.

Row 8: BO7, P10, BO7.

Place 10 remaining stitches on a holder or waste yarn.

CO3. Work 3-st I-cord until piece measures 6 inches long.

Join I-cord to cozy as follows: Place held stitches back into a needle. K2 I-cord stitches, slip last I-cord stitch to right-hand needle knitwise, K1 from cozy, pass slipped I-cord stitch over. 1 stitch from the cozy is joined. Bring yarn around the back of the I-cord to work another RS row.

Repeat these steps until all stitches from the cozy have been joined.

Continue working 3-st I-cord until I-cord measures 6 inches from where it is joined to the cozy. Cut the yarn and thread through the 3 I-cord stitches, and fasten off.

Weave in loose ends.

If anyone knits this pattern and finds mistakes, please email me or talk to me on Ravelry, where I am also KnittingLinguist.

The Supernatural and the Sims 2

2009-05-01T16:06:00.008-04:00

I don't think I'd mind living in a universe that resembles the one created by "The Sims 2".

Each class in college and each career requires a set number of skills; everyone gets a promotion once all of the qualifications are met. Not only that, but anyone who wants to can reach the top of their career ladder and be a superhero, or a mad scientist, or a celebrity chef, or a space pirate.

As long as there's a smoke detector in the house, the place can never be burnt down.

Even if you get really fat, all of your clothes will still fit.

And, most importantly, there is an abundance of supernatural activity that is firmly placed in reality. In the base game alone, there are aliens, ghosts, the Grim Reaper, and the Social Bunny (which indicates to me that at least one of the programmers was a fan of Donnie Darko). People can argue with the Grim Reaper and play Rock-Paper-Scissors for the lives of their loved ones.

People get abducted by aliens, come back to Earth pregnant with alien babies, and no one acts like this is insanity. The alien babies grow up and everyone treats them exactly like humans. No one seems to notice.

There's a Wishing Well that actually grants wishes when coins are tossed in. There are only three wishes to choose from, but still.

In the expansion packs, supernatural activity abounds.

University gives us zombies. But they're okay zombies. They weren't caused by some sort of virus and they aren't hungry for human flesh, although sometimes they think about brains. They don't attack and turn other people into zombies. They're just kind of there.

Further expansion packs offer vampires, werewolves, sentient robots, Big Foot, weird plant people that reproduce through spores, genies, a ninja who teaches people to teleport, and the option of becoming a witch or wizard. And, of course, if you happen to be turned into a vampire, a werewolf, or a weird plant person against your will, you can always call the local gypsy lady to come over and sell you a cure for whatever ails you.

Who wouldn't want to live in this universe?

Even More Geek Points

2009-04-14T23:05:00.005-04:00

While randomly clicking on things, I found an article titled "Top ten questions asked by geeks."

The first one my eyes happened to land on was, "If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?"

I nearly killed myself laughing. Not only because that's hilarious, but because I once wrote an article for the school paper discussing this very question. I said jam instead of butter, but it's basically the same thing.

If this shouldn't get me extra points on the Geek Test, I don't know what would.

My conclusion was that the cat would still land on it's feet because it's a living animal resisting landing on and shattering its spine. However, if the jam were on the cat's feet, there would be room for debate.

The cat could still land on it's feet, proving that both "Cats always land on their feet" and "Bread always lands jelly side down" are true and that we do indeed live in a rational universe with set rules.

On the other hand, dipping a tabby's paws in marmalade might create a double negative, making it was impossible for the cat to land with its jelly side feet down. The cat would simply hover a few inches above the floor, its feet and the floor behaving like two magnets of the same polarity.

Malgor versus Balgor

2009-02-16T22:28:00.004-05:00

Apparently, there has been some confusion between these two eminent personages. I will now endeavor to set the record straight.

Malgor is the undead king. It is his power that makes Pop Rocks fizzle. He never has the same face twice. A person could meet Malgor fifty different times and he would never look the same. However, once a person has met Malgor and knows his name, that person will never fail to recognize him.

Malgor drives a wheelless Porsche. It's pulled by five undead, fire-breathing horses. Their names are Mittens, Bacon, Bloodbane the Trampler of Dreams, Meshuga, and Clyde. Depending on where Malgor is going, the Porsche will be either red or black. If he's just running errands, the Porsche is black; if he's going to raise the dead or he's on a booty call, it's red.

Malgor also has a summer house that's in between the eastbound and westbound sides of the Northern State Parkway. He always wonders why he doesn't get more trick-or-treaters.

Balgor, on the other hand, if the pet hippogriff that Michelle picked up when she was accidentally transferred from Alcatraz to Azkaban.

His full name is Balgor the Destroyer of Worlds. His feathers are grey and his horse-half is blue. He's a fairly good pet and sturdy mount. It is, however, difficult to find hippogriff parking on campus.

Incompetence gives Balgor indigestion. He ate an RA once and wasn't himself for days.

I hope that clears of any confusion.

Idiot Traps

2009-02-08T23:14:00.005-05:00

I believe I've made it abundantly clear that I don't particularly like the people I live with. At least, there are two of them who I seriously dislike. My other three suite mates have opposable thumbs, stand upright, and all that jazz. The last two seem to come from a place where common sense and courtesy have yet to be invented.

These two are not the only reason why I believe I should install idiot traps around the building.

A friend of mine put down some ant traps in her dorm room because, well, she has ants. One of the RAs went in to do a health and safety inspection and told her she could not have those ant traps because, "Someone might try to drink them."

"Who would try to drink an ant trap?"

"Well, if the person was really drunk..."

I'm going to set up idiot traps on each floor, just outside the stairwells. Each one will be a tall cage with a pie inside and a sign that says, "Free Food!!" When the idiot steps into the trap and picks up the pie - "Oh goody! This is my lucky day!" - the door will slam shut behind them - "What the hell!?" - and the idiot will be trapped. I can then load the traps onto a pick-up truck and release the idiots back into the wild where they belong.

The only problem with this is the inevitable fact that someone I know will wander into one of the traps looking for pie.

And the RA will probably tell me that I can't have idiot traps because they are attracting ants.

White & Nerdy

2009-01-14T11:43:00.017-05:00

Two years ago, the music video for "White & Nerdy" by Weird Al Yankovic appeared on Albino Blacksheep on my birthday. This was enough to convince me that the song was for me and it has been my theme song since then.

Among the lyrics explaining the nerdiness of the singer is the line "I even made a homepage for my dog." I'm always looking for new and interesting ways to make myself nerdier. My dog now has a Facebook.

I have taken the Geek Test 3.1 at least five times (just to make sure the results were accurate and to see if my score has increased). The last item on the test, with five boxes to check, is "I can think of other things that should get me points on this test." I have always been a little disappointed that there are only five boxes to check. I can think of 50 other things that should get me points on that test.

In fact I have. Over the past few months, I have been racking my brain (well, not exactly racking; the first 30 or so were pretty easy to come up with) and have compiled a list of 50 things not on the Geek Test that could get me points.

Here it is:

50 More Things That Should Get Me Points on the Geek Test

1. Inventing the word "dorkgasm"

Addendum: I also coined the phrases "hit and run paternity", "beaver-palooza", and "Thermodynarnia"

2. Putting books in the freezer when they upset me

3. Collecting Mr. Potato Heads

4. Obsessed with Harry Potter

5. Clicking "Refresh" over and over to see if the new issue of an online magazine has gone live yet

6. I routinely watch: The Big Bang Theory; Eureka; True Blood; Red Dwarf

7. Shopping at ThinkGeek

8. Writing my own comic books... in crayon... in foreign languages

9. Making and wearing linguistics T-shirts

10. I have read: Terry Pratchett; Harry Potter spin-offs; xkcd

11. Taking the Geek Test multiple times to see if my score has increased

Addendum: It has

12. Playing: Azada; The Sims 2; Katamari Damacy

13. Naming my electronics

14. Editing Wikipedia

15. Attempting to start conspiracy theories, such as claiming that Pope John Paul II is still alive and hanging out in Switzerland

16. Wearing T-shirts that proclaim my love of geeky boys (i.e. "I love skinny boys with glasses")

17. Calling Shakespeare characters and philosophers "punks"

18. I desperately want to have children who I can indoctrinate with geek culture; I was wicked excited when ThinkGeek added their Geek Kids section

19. Memorizing Shakespeare for fun

20. Alton Brown is one of my heroes

21. Carrying my lunch to school (and work) in a metal Spiderman lunchbox

22. Claiming that I discovered things that I saw in museums

Addendum: Hey, I discovered those things as much as Columbus discovered America. So there.

23. Dressing up as Arthur Dent for Halloween (with "Don't Panic" taped to my Palm Pilot & "42" sewn onto my towel)

24. Dressing up as the Doppler Effect for Halloween

25. Quoting obscure movies & TV shows (people never catch my references)

26. I once wrote a paper for philosophy class comparing Fight Club to John Stuart Mill's On Liberty

27. Weird Al Yankovic's "White and Nerdy" is my theme song

Addendum: I discovered the music video on my birthday and therefore claim that he wrote it for me

28. The only reality show I've ever liked was Beauty & the Geek, although I stopped watching it after season 3

Addendum: I was totally in love with the guy who won season 2. I friended him on Myspace and proceeded to tell my roommate about it for three days.

29. Hosting a Harry Potter themed murder mystery party

30. I collect recipes in spiral bound notebooks. I labeled the first one "Recipes"; I labeled the second one "Recipes: TNG"

31. I knit... for at least three hours a day... often in public

32. Every year, I set a New Year's resolution to become more of a dork; every year, I succeed.

33. Sweater vests are awesome; I will bring them back into fashion if I have to knit them all myself

Addendum: Argyle is also super sexy

34. I once owned a pair of sneakers with a crossword puzzle grid on on them, which I filled in on my own

35. My sister and I changed the rules to The Mystery Date Game so that getting the Geek is an automatic win

36. I used to have 20 sided fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror of my car. His name was Greg.

Addendum: They are no longer there because they broke and I haven't fixed them yet.

37. When complaining about something (say, the school's highly inefficient administration), I have been know to say things such as, "Silly muggles, they know not with whom they mess." (Which is a quote from a knitting blog.)

38. When I am the light board operator, the sound board operator and I comment throughout the show and have said that we should make MST3K versions of all the plays we've done

39. I once threw an action figure on a string out of a bus window a la Napoleon Dynamite

40. Going to the Miriam-Webster website to listen to the pronunciation of words I like

41. I have started a list of the 50 best things Fargo off of Eureka has ever said

Addendum: If I lived in Eureka, I would marry him

42. If I had my way, the phrase "Git 'r done" would be erased from society's consciousness and replaced with "Make it so"

43. I sometimes wish I could use Robert's rules of order in arguments; or maybe just have a moderator

44. I have Star Wars pillow cases

45. I Twitter

46. My favorite sounds are retroflexes: I think they are awesome and I am going to invent a type of cookie called retroflexes so other people will understand how delicious they are

47. I made a Facebook for my dog

48. I've designed knitting patterns for a water pistol cozy and for a fish bowl cozy

49. I've gone to math club to try to pick up boys

50. My friends and I once hung posters around campus advertising for new friends

Addendum: We listed requirements, including "Scoring well on the geek test is a plus"

Second Addendum: It didn't work, by the way

Evolution at Work

2008-12-12T16:52:00.004-05:00

The more my parents tell me about their childhoods (and the more the news talks about all of the potentially deadly things lurking around corners, waiting to maim small children), the more I am amazed that anyone ever survived their childhood.

When my parents were young, there was lead-based paint everywhere. They were allowed to play with mercury in school. My dad has told me about how he and his friends used to ride their bikes behind the smoggers that sprayed pesticides in rural residential areas.

When I was a small child, the playground equipment at our school was mostly metal bars embedded in concrete. My brother and I had toys that would never be given to small children today, like Little People before they were the size of grapefruits or Polly Pocket when the entire toy actually fit in a pocket.

Recently, since most of my friends are getting married and/or having kids, I was looking at patterns to knit baby sweaters. Pullovers are out of the question: despite what people might think, babies actually have enormous heads. A baby's head will not go through the neck opening of a pullover unless it's a cowl neck or something. Of the fifty or so patterns I looked at, about half of them had buttons for closures.

This has to fall into the category of, "How on earth?" Baby clothes can't have buttons unless they're about four inches around: that child will choke to death in the amount of time it takes the mother to blow her nose.

I find myself muttering under my breath at all of my knitting books and magazines, thinking about whether or not I could easily modify the pattern to have a zipper.

The Joys of State Housing

2008-11-30T16:42:00.001-05:00

After three years of living in dorms, I am getting pretty sick of it. To top matters off, this year I have a conglomeration of fools for suite mates. They are animals.

Despite asking at least twice and hanging a sign reminding people to please turn the light in the hallway off, no one seems to understand that the light shines through the gap around my bedroom door and into my face. I remedied this situation by removing the light bulbs from the hallway lights.

There are also two girls who don’t seem to understand how grease fires start. Every evening, they make dinner while I am watching "Jeopardy!" They boil the oil like it’s water and then add damp foodstuffs to it. I have to turn the TV up to full volume so I can hear Alex Trebek over their oil. When I ask, “Guys, how hot is that oil?” They reply, “Oh, it isn’t hot.” Obviously, it is because they’re cooking with it. So I’ve started getting passive-aggressive about it. If someone else is watching "Jeopardy!" with me, she might say, “Jess, could you turn that up a little more?” I respond, loudly, “I can’t! It’s a loud as it gets! We would probably be able to hear it if that oil was being cooked at a safe temperature!”

I also appear to be the only individual living here who knows how to empty the catch in the kitchen sink or how to take out the trash.

When I live in a house, when I am a real grown-up and not just pretending like I am now, this kind of thing will not fly. A few things that will and won’t happen:

1) When I get home and the place is empty, all of the lights will be off.

2) The counters and the stovetop will be spotless.

3) My coffee machine will actually fit on the counter because there will not be four rice cookers littering my space.

4) I will have my own laundry facilities. I will be able to do my laundry without fear of the washing machine spitting leftover bleach onto my clothing.

5) There will not be six different kinds of light bulbs scattered throughout my living space.

6) I will have the entire refrigerator to myself. And the kitchen cabinets.

7) I will be able to go to bed at whatever time I want. Earlier. Without telling my roommate to go study in the living room. Her desk light is shining in my face.

8) My car will not live in a parking lot.

9) The curtains/carpets/mattresses/sinks will not have unidentifiable stains on them.

10) I will be able to leave my good knives in the kitchen without fear of harm coming to them or by them.

11) No one will visit my home once a month to tell me that something I own is unsafe and therefore not allowed; i.e., “You can’t have those ant traps because someone might get drunk and try to drink them.” “Well, I wouldn’t need ant traps if there weren’t vermin in the building, now would I?”

12) On that note, there will not be drunken revelry outside my door every other weekend.

13) I will have more and better furniture, like a bookcase and real kitchen chairs.

14) There will not be fire drills at three in the morning.

15) It will not be an issue if I can’t fit all of my possessions in my car.

16) My roommate’s hair will not be all over the apartment. In the couch, in the drains, in my bed. If I want the place covered in hair, I will get a dog.

Thermodynarnia

2008-10-27T16:37:00.004-04:00

I’m starting to get an idea why people who are hardcore into things like physics and chemistry appear to exist outside the reality the rest of us know and love.
I’m taking a chemical engineering class (I still don’t know why; it’s for a gen ed) and we have questions on our homework such as: “Is this system at equilibrium? A boiling teakettle. Explain.” My answer was “No; because the teakettle is boiling, the water will change states and evaporate.” I answered this question in this way and was marked wrong. When I asked for an explanation, the class had to get into a discussion about what is meant by a teakettle. Apparently, we were supposed to assume that the teakettle in question did not in fact have a hole in it, as most teakettles do, and therefore the temperature and pressure inside the teakettle would have equalized and the phase changes from liquid to gas and from gas to liquid would be taking place at the same rate. Therefore, the system is in equilibrium.
Another such question: “Is a thermos full of a cold liquid an open system, a closed system, or an isolated system?” I said that a thermos is a closed system (matter is not moving into or out of the system, so it isn’t an open system). The correct answer was an isolated system. And when I said, “But thermoses don’t maintain their contents’ temperature indefinitely. They slow the process.” I was told that I should have assumed a thermos was a perfect insulator.
In this version of reality, I am expected to make a lot of assumptions about the properties of certain items that, were I in the reality I’ve lived in until now, would be completely false. However, it appears that the equations set before students learning thermodynamics exist in another realm. A realm that is filled with magical thermoses and teakettles that have been welded shut. I like to call this newly discovered magical land of lamentable goodness thermodynarnia.
And because all of these already socially awkward physics and chemistry majors spend so much of their time in thermodynarnia, they do indeed live in world that isn’t quite our own.

Weezer: or, I'm Made of Awesome

2008-09-25T16:27:00.001-04:00

In August, I bought tickets to go see Weezer at Madison Square Garden with my very good friend Leah. They are one of my two favorite bands (the other being the White Stripes).

The day before the concert (Tuesday), Leah called me around lunchtime and said, "Hey, you know the opening band for Weezer?"

"Angels & Airwaves?"

"Yes. I have a friend who is friends with their guitarist. And, I don't want to get your hopes up, but she might be able to get us backstage."

I didn't want to tell anyone because I might jinx it, but I had to tell someone, so I told Darryl. He said, "When you meet the band, you need to act cool and like I'm expecting you're going to act."

"What does that mean?"

"You're a spaz. Don't hug them or yell their names or anything. Just chill out."

"I can do that. I won't scream, but I am going to get them to sign the Red Album for me."

"No, if you ask for their autographs, any semblance of cool you had is gone."

It's not like I had any semblance to begin with.

We totally got backstage. I did not meet the guys from Weezer, but I did meet Tom Delonge (formerly of Blink 181, currently of Angels & Airwaves) and David Kennedy (also of Angels & Airwaves). I actually had a mini-conversation with David. We hung out in their dressing room and, because we had backstage passes, Leah and I did not have to go back to our seats in the middle of the third tier. We were groundlings, hanging out in the mosh pit, not fifty feet from the stage.

I have been backstage at Madison Square Garden. I'm almost jealous of myself.

September: Best of Months

2008-09-14T16:17:00.002-04:00

I have my reasons for loving September. In general, they are threefold:

1) My birthday is in September, so my internal clock starts the year in September;

2) Autumn is the most bitchin' of all season. I mean, seriously, check the foliage in that photo. That's Vermont at it's finest; and,

3) The start of the school year.

This September has been particularly good. There have been a few lovely additions to the list and they make me feel warm and fuzzy about life, like I've been smoking something of high quality and low paranoia.

I have a car with me at school this year, which gives me a glorious, unprecedented feeling of independence.

Leah and I are going to see Weezer on the 24th, which can only be good. Especially since we won't be behind the stage in the fourth tier like the last time we saw a concert at Madison Square Garden. We're only in the third tier and we're actually in front of the stage. We'll be able to see Rivers Cuomo's face. Addendum to that, I hope to God that Rivers has shaved before the concert. The mustache he had on the cover of the Red Album made him look like a porn star.

And the best thing of all so far this month: starting the day after her wedding, I asked my friend Trina every morning whether or not she was pregnant. Every morning, the response was, "Not yet." Today, I got an email that said, "Actually, yes. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow."

I came completely unglued.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must run out and buy knitting books of baby oriented patterns and some yarn.